The Right Wing Extremist

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

2004-08-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

New Jersey governor Jim McGreevy announced to the world yesterday that he looked "deeply into the mirror of his soul" and saw a lonely little guy just struggling to burst out and suck some serious cock. Well, he didn't use those words exactly. He nuanced it up a bit, rambling on about his "confused childhood" and "spiritual reflection", trying to spin it around to where cheating on his wife was the only thing he was guilty of. Sure, I'll bet she didn't appreciate being porked by the same package that was up some dude's poop chute ten minutes earlier, but don't worry - the affair was "consensual".

Yup, consensual!

"I confess, Kari, I've been playing 'Hide the Sausage' with that brash young Israeli poet. You know, the one with the pretty lips and the nice ass? But I assure you, it was purely consensual."

Listen, jackass, if you want to ride the baloney pony, that's fine by me. I'm a tolerant person. Heck, some of my best friends are bone-smuggling ass pirates. But don't try to tell me it'd be completely peachy-keen to take it up the fudge tunnel if you just weren't so inconveniently married. Certain parts of the body are meant for specific things, and I'm fairly sure that God designated the asshole for the discharge of fecal matter only.

Jim McGreevey: He was confused as a child, but he's confused no more!

Maya Ange-who?

2004-08-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings. It's a bird. It sings. Big fucking deal.

You may have Oprah all in a titter, Maya, but I'm not impressed. Why dontcha write me up something I can use? Something like I Know Next Week's Lotto Numbers, by Maya Angelou. Or I Know Why Your Car Smells Like Ass, by Maya Angelou.

Help Me Out Here

2004-07-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

"We are asking Americans to think about that because how do you ask a man to be the last man to die in Vietnam? How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake? At any time that an actual threat is posed to this country or to the security and freedom I will be one of the first people to pick up a gun and defend it, but right now we are reacting with paranoia at this question of peace and the people taking over the world. There is no threat. The Communists are not about to take over our McDonald hamburger stands." - John Kerry's testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, April 22, 1971.

"I defended this country as a young man and I will defend it as President." - Sen John Kerry's speech before the DNC, July 29, 2004

So if the Vietnam War was a mistake and communism was no threat to America, when exactly did John Kerry defend this country as a young man? If the Vietnam War really was fought in defense of our country, why did Kerry say it was a mistake and accuse his fellow soldiers of being war criminals?

Vive La France!

2004-07-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Al Gore demonstrates the Democrat Party strategy for fighting the War on Terrorism.

That's called MARKETING, folks

2004-07-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why Linda Ronstadt's new albums always have photos of her circa 1982 on them? Because if she used a current photo, people would what the fat chick from "Designing Women" is doing singing Mexican drinking songs.

Saving Mom from Celine Dion

2004-07-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

The Mom recently developed an appreciation for the shrill hollering of Celine Dion. As a son, I felt obligated to cure her of this unhealthy addiction before it turned her brain to goo.

So I made an effort to spontaneously sing Celine tunes at every opportunity. I'd match her style as closely as possible, alternating between barely audible whispers and flat-out yelling. Mom would hear me whispering and her ears would perk up, and then I'd belt out a tremendous whoop and she'd jump right out of her skin.

"can you hear me whispering now?
i am whispering quietly now
come a little closer so you can
hear me whisperin'.....
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOOOOOOOOVEEEE?
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOOOOOOOOVE?"

I'd do this repeatedly and at random locations, so she'd never know when to expect it. We'd be in a restaurant having lunch, and then I'd start talking in a low whisper.

"Excuse me?" Mom would say, forgetting that she had almost swerved off the road when I pulled the gag on her in the car TWENTY MINUTES EARLIER. She'd lean closer, trying to hear what I was saying, and then:

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOOOOOOOOVEEEE? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

Her salad would go flying and we'd get alot of cold glares from other customers, but I'd make my point.

After a whole weekend of this, Mom's nerves were so frayed that she'd jump whenever I spoke. She couldn't even listen to her precious Celine cd's anymore and threw them all into the garbage.

Some may call me a "bastard" and a "freak" for tormenting my mother so, but I only do it because I love her.

I Want My Cock Back, Bitch!

2004-07-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

Recent family email exchange:

BROTHER: Zippers has gone back to the hospital. Even after the major cleaning out he went through a couple of days ago the crystals are back and he can't pee. Since this is the third time this has happened to him the only options are to put him to sleep or turn him into a girl cat. So Zippers is getting a sex change.

Hopefully this works or We are out of options. Jen's doing a great job at holding up but I know it's killing her. She cares more about Zippers then her own life. Our vet has done this procedure many times. We were told by the vet at the animal hospital that he's the best in the area for this procedure. I'll keep you informed of any changes.

DAD: I wasn't aware of the fact that Zippers had been any where or was sick. What causes the crystals?

BROTHER: The crystals happen in male neutered cats. You can help prevent them with special cat food but it is not a fail safe remedy. But as of about 30 minutes ago he is out of surgery and the vet thinks it went very well. If everything stays good he (or she) will be home tomorrow.

DAD: I remember now. It's caused by too high an ash content in their food. You might ask the vet about that.
To that end, you have to watch the canned fish products, especially tuna. They love tuna and I used to give them a little now and then, like two or three flakes out of a can of tuna, but I quit feeding them canned fish catfood altogether because it was always high...especialy canned salmon cat food. The Doc will probably advise to to switch to Iams or some product that he sells that costs about four times as much as the regular canned cat food.

BROTHER: We have actually been using food made by Science Diet that is especially formulated neutered cats witch pretty much is the best out there as far as it goes. Some cats still get the crystals anyway.

Now Zippers is back home after the last resort surgery. He has no nuts. His pee-pee hole is now very similar to a vagina with the exception of the stitches all around it. He is as close as he can get to being a girl cat as cats get without actually being a girl cat. I know, "Ouch" best describes it. However, because of the larger hole the crystals are now able to pass. He is very tired and still doesn't want to eat but seems to be getting better slowly. Now if he just doesn't get the urge to be short tempered and incredibly pissy once a month the hole thing will be a success.

ROB: If cats had fingers and opposable thumbs, I'd tell you to lock up your firearms and sleep with one eye open. In fact, I'd keep him on close suicide watch for a while, anyway...once he comes out of his drug-induced stupor and sees a big gaping hole where his cock used to be, he's liable to lick a light socket or throw himself off the balcony.

Why not Vilsack?

2004-07-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

Why didn't Kerry choose Iowa governor Tom Vilsack for his running mate? Because the people of Iowa, ravished by Bush tax cuts and job losses, need Vilsack's strength and courage right now.

But most importantly, "Kerry-Vilsack" sounds too much like "Hairy Ballsack".

A Match Made in Heaven

2004-07-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

On Wal-Mart and the Olsen Twins

2004-07-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Standing in line at Wal-Mart this afternoon, two things came to mind.

1. For people who are supposed be dirt poor and living hand-to-mouth, there sure are alot of blacks and Mexicans buying cartloads of complete crap.

2. The way the Olsen Twins hugged and pawed at each other was adorable when they were nine - now it's just plain creepy.

I'm fully aware that the twins are purposely marketing the art of lesbian innuendo to appeal to the masturbatory fantasies of teenage boys and middle-aged men, and that is exactly why I'm totally pissed off by the time I get to the register. Two underaged sisters sliming all over each other on the cover of People Magazine shouldn't turn people on, and those who do get aroused by it shouldn't be catered to and encouraged by the mass media.

Maybe I'm getting old. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable "Olsen Twins Together" spread in Playboy.

The Horror. The Horror.

2004-07-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Brando is now officially dead.

My condolences to whatever family members he has that aren't in prison, but the way the media is pulling their hair out abouyt the death of the Greatest Actor in The History of the World is a little excessive. Some of his early stuff was interesting, but aside from The Godfather, he roles consisted mostly of mumbling lunatics. That's not acting, that's how he was in real life! Directors hated the guy because he'd throw out the script and just ramble incoherently into the camera for 8.5 million dollars.

Now Robert Duvall, there's an actor.

Happy Independence Day

2004-07-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

"The Second Day of July 1776, will be the most memorable Epocha, in the History of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated, by succeeding Generations, as the great anniversary Festival. It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.

"You will think me transported with Enthusiasm but I am not. -- I am well aware of the Toil and Blood and Treasure, that it will cost Us to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States. -- Yet through all the Gloom I can see the Rays of ravishing Light and Glory. I can see that the End is more than worth all the Means. And that Posterity will tryumph in that Days Transaction, even altho We should rue it, which I trust in God We shall not."

- John Adams, July 3, 1776

Semper Fi

2004-06-29T16:13:00.000-07:00

Habib may have made a serious mistake grabbing a U.S. Marine. God help them if they cut his head off.

Letter to the Terrorists
June 29, 2004

To the terrorists currently operating in Iraq: I see that you have captured a U. S. Marine, and that you plan to cut off his head if your demands are not met. Big mistake. Before you carry out your threat I suggest you read up on Marine Corps history.The Japanese tried the same thing on Makin Island and in a few other places during World War Two, and came to regret it. Go ahead and read about what then happened to the mighty Imperial Army on Tarawa, Iwo Jima and Okinawa. They paid full price for what they did, and you will too.

You look at America and you see a soft target, and to a large extent you are right. Our country is filled with a lot of spoiled people who drive BMWs, sip decaf lattes and watch ridiculous reality TV shows. They are for the most part decent, hard working citizens, but they are soft. When you cut off Nick Berg's head those people gasped, and you got the media coverage you sought, and then those people went back to their lives.

This time it is different. We also have a warrior culture in this country, and they are called Marines. It is a brotherhood forged in the fire of many wars, and the bond between us is stronger than blood. While it is true that this country has produced nitwits like Michael Moore, Howard Dean and JaneFonda who can be easily manipulated by your gruesome tactics, we have also produced men like Jason Dunham, Brian Chontosh and Joseph Perez. If you don't recognize those names you should. They are all Marines who distinguished themselves fighting to liberate Iraq, and there will be many more just like them coming for you.

Before the current politically correct climate enveloped our culture one of the recruiting slogans of our band of brothers was "The Marine Corps Builds Men." You will soon find out just how true that is. You, on the other hand, are nothing but a bunch of women. If you were men you would show your faces, and take us on in a fair fight. Instead, you are cowards who hide behind masks and decapitate helpless victims. If you truly represented the interest of the Iraqi people you would not be ambushing those who come to your country to repair your power plants, or sabotage the oil pipelines which fuel the Iraqi economy. Your agenda is hate, plain and simple.

When you raise that sword over your head I want you to remember one thing. Corporal Wassef Ali Hassoun is not alone as he kneels before you. Every Marine who has ever worn the uniform is there with him, and when you strike him you are striking all of us. If you think the Marines were tough on you when they were cleaning out Fallujah a few weeks ago you haven't seen anything yet. If you want to know what it feels like to have the Wrath of God called down upon you then go ahead and do it. We are not Turkish truck drivers, or Pakistani laborers, or independent contractors hoping to find work in your country. We are the United States Marines, and we will be coming for you.

Andy Bufalo
MSgt USMC (Ret)

Forget Disneyland!

2004-06-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Big summer vacation plans? You might want to take the kids over to Russia to check out Rasputin's Pickled Trouser Snake.

Clinton Has a Book Out

2004-06-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

In case anyone was wondering, Bill Clinton has a book out. In it, he details his life, his loves, his courageous battle against the greatest evil to grace the earth since Hitler: Kenneth Starr.

According to Bubba, Starr was part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy to destroy him since the day he was elected. So naturally, he decided to splooge all over the Oval Office and his hired help.
Engaging in activity that you know will have negative personal consequences is the sign of a fool.

Bill's wife, Hillary, also has a book out, in which she describes the moment that Bubba confessed to her about his wild romps with Monica Lewinsky:

"I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him, 'What do you mean? What are you saying? Why did you lie to me? I was furious and getting more so by the second."

Exactly who did you think you're married to, Hillary? This guy cheated on you with Gennifer Flowers for TWELVE YEARS, pausing only to drop his drawers to Paula Jones. You should be shocked and surprised if he WASN'T screwing around!

I'd almost forgotten how much these people nauseate me.

Kerry Still Working for the Viet Cong

2004-06-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

It's been more than 30 years since John Kerry came back from the Vietnam War to serve as a propaganda weapon for the enemy, and North Vietnam is still using his words against us.

Candidate in this year’s American presidential elections, John Kerry, who fought in the war, went further in his criticism. In a statement to the US’ Senate Committee on Foreign Relations in 1971, he said the war crimes committed by US soldiers in Southeast Asia "were not isolated incidents but crimes committed on a day-to-day basis with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command."

But despite these abuses, the Vietnamese did not reciprocate in kind; instead, they treated captured US troops humanely...except for their incarceration, the American soldiers lived normal lives in prison though many of them had been caught red-handed committing crimes against humanity. They got fairly good food, exercised, played on the guitar and read books, received letters from home and celebrated Christmas with trees just like they would have at home. They received periodic medical checks and treatment for injuries and illnesses.

In the three decades since the war, the Americans have used their hegemony over the world media – including films – and short public memory to gloss over their atrocities and to demonise Viet Nam.

But they're comfy

2004-06-14T15:12:00.000-07:00

The new army uniforms are coming out. They look even more like pajamas than the current ones do. What's next? G.I. Joe underoos?

We need something that'll strike fear in the hearts of the enemy. Give our guys a BFG and a black uniform with a skull on it, and the ragheads will be crapping their nightgowns.

Of course, some soldiers might miss having a helmet. But who really wears them, anyway? Only guys in old war movies. So let's replace them with cowboy hats. It'll be a nod at the "cowboy Americans" stereotype, and drive the French completely apeshit in the process.

Sometimes, Drudge is a Dickhead

2004-06-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

Drudge posted this pic with the headline "Clinton's Rest Eyes During Reagan Eulogy".

Yeah, Matt - and remarkably, every other person in the cathedral were resting their eyes at the EXACT SAME TIME.

I don't like the Clintons any more than the next guy, but this is the same kind of crap the media used to pull on Reagan. They'd photograph him in the middle of a blink, or in PRAYER, and say: "Look at the senile ol' geezer taking a nap!"

Stick to reporting the news and leave the propaganda to the lefties, Drudge.

We Owe Him Our Liberty

2004-06-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

"When talking about Ronald Reagan, I have to be personal. We in Poland took him so personally. Why? Because we owe him our liberty."

Great article by Lech Walessa in the WSJ today.

Reagan Ad Nauseum

2004-06-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

In 2035, when Bill Clinton finally loses his 10-year battle with syphillis, the nine weeks of adoring media coverage leading up to and following his funeral will make the past five days seem like a grasshopper fart in a wind tunnel.

Democrat Vultures Pounce Reagan's Corpse

2004-06-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Democrats, who spewed nothing but venom and bile at Reagan all during his presidency, have suddenly declared themselves defenders of his legacy.

"I think the best way to remember president Reagan is to fully fund Alzheimer's research and to find a cure to that dreaded disease." - Tom Daschle

At least ol' Tom waited a couple days after the Gipper passed on before pouncing on his corpse. Sen. Dianne Feinstein was hungrily picking at his bones on Monday morning.

"As we honor his memory in the days and weeks to come, it is my hope that we will consider what we can do here in Congress to battle this terrible disease. A good first step would be to approve legislation that supports embryonic stem cell research. This research offers tremendous hope, not only to those who suffer from Alzheimer's, but also the millions of people with cancer, diabetes, Parkinson's, multiple sclerosis and spinal cord injuries. What a fitting tribute passage of this bill would be to President Reagan."

Yes, the best way to honor Reagan's legacy is with a huge government program and the commoditization of human embryos.

Strange how fighting Alzheimer's didn't become such a grand cause for democrats until they learned that human embryos might aid in finding a cure. Ten years ago, Reagan's affliction was a big joke to them. It appears they only feel a disease is worth curing if it'll advance the gay lifestyle or abortion on demand.

Quote of the Day

2004-06-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

"Now that Reagan is in Heaven, we can be assured that, once we get there, it will be free of Commies and hippies." - Frank J. at IMAO

The Last Two Rational Men in Europe?

2004-06-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

Did you know that there are more U.S. military cemetaries in France than anywhere else in Europe? Euro-Bloggers Ray and Erik tried to remind anti-American, D-Day protesters in Paris of that fact, and were hauled away by the French police.

We will always remember

2004-06-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

"You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done." - Ronald Wilson Reagan (1911-2004)

Congressman McDermott, Your Flying Saucer Awaits

2004-06-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

I like our esteemed congressman, Jim McDermott. He's such a raving lunatic, that one need merely let him speak and he'll provide you with hours of laughter. Check out this one from HUMAN EVENTS

Hello, Congressman McDermott? I'm Dave Freddoso from HUMAN EVENTS. If you have a second I wanted to ask you about Jose Padilla. They had this presentation--

REP. JIM MCDERMOTT (D.-WASH.): Aren't you that right-wing operation?

Yeah, that's exactly right, that's what we are. But they had--

MCDERMOTT: No, talking to you isn't a good thing, because--

You don't think--

MCDERMOTT: No, no, it's not a good thing.

But we enjoy it.

MCDERMOTT: Talk to one of these other suckers.

Come on, Congressman . . .

MCDERMOTT: No. What was it you wrote about me last time?

The Pledge of Allegiance. That came up later, I noticed. [See "McDermott on God: Out of the Pledge & Not on Our Side"]

MCDERMOTT: Why don't you (laughs) go talk to someone who wants to be in your magazine.

You don't want to? It can't hurt you. You've got a constituency that loves you.

MCDERMOTT: You know, there was a senator from Colorado once who, when guys like you came around, he used to say, "I'm going to paint my a-- white and run with the antelopes. So you couldn't say I didn't answer, and if it was a family magazine you couldn't put it in there." But nowadays you guys would write that stuff.

Yeah, I guess so . . . . But what do you think about this guy being held as an illegal combatant?

MCDERMOTT: Well, it's not good to comment on legal stuff when it's in the courts. . .

Kerry Visits Seattle, Caffeine Sales Skyrocket

2004-05-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Kerry breezed through Seattle this week. That's a great use of time and money - campaigning in the city where Jim McDermott is worshipped like a God. You can run a geoduck as a democrat in this town and it'd beat any Republican by a landslide.

Odlly enough, umbrellas were banned from Kerry's speaking events due to security reasons. I guess the Penguin and the cast of Singin' in the Rainhave been sending Lurch some nasty email.

Anyway, there were a couple of things that Kerry said which need to be mocked and ridiculed here. Speaking to any terrorists in the audience who might try to influence the upcoming election, Kerry said:

"We may have an election here in America. But let there be no doubt: This country is united in its determination to defeat terrorism. As commander in chief, I will bring the full force of our nation's power to bear on finding and crushing your networks.

So Kerry feels that terrorists may believe they have a friend in him, and might attack the U.S. in order to influence the election in his favor. I wonder why. Why would the terrorists prefer Kerry over Bush?

And I'm sure that part about "finding and crushing their networks" sends chills down their spines. God forbid Achmed and Mohammed fly any planes into our buildings, lest John Kerry crush their networks. I wonder how many virgins in heaven a crushed network will get ya.

Kerry also said:

"[The Saudi government must] take concrete steps to stop their clerics from fueling the fires of Islamic extremism."

That's all well and good, but when are the democrats going to take concrete steps to stop their clerics from fueling the fires of Islamist extremism? Half the crap the mullahs say could be taken right out of an Al Gore or Ted Kennedy speech. Osama Bin Laden actually demanded that the U.S. sign Kyoto in one of his letters. Al-Sadr could run as a democrat, with the geoduck as his running mate, and get most of the blue states hands down.

Hooray for High Gas Prices!

2004-05-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

I saw four hybrid cars on the road today. Many people I know are driving less, trading in their big pick-ups and SUV's for more fuel efficient cars. In a few short weeks, the free market has achieved what years of liberal social engineering could not.

This has to be driving socialist moonbats like Al Gore completely nuts. As people use less gasoline, all those government funds obtained from punitive gas taxes will dry up. The real kick in the crotch is that all the profits are going back into the economy, rather than into the pockets of the bureaucrats.

The only way for the dems to throw a monkey wrench into it now will be to lower gas taxes (hahahahaha!) to encourage people to use more gas, or open up the reserves.

Al Gore; Fluffer for Alien Porn

2004-05-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

"For everything, there is a season, particularly for the politics of fear. " Al Gore

"Fear drives out reason. It suppresses the politics of discourse and opens the door to the politics of destruction." - Al Gore

"...it is naturally - perhaps tragic in the classic sense, but none the less natural - more the modern Republican party to be especially efficient in the use of fear as a technique for obtaining and holding power." - Al Gore

"You have nothing to fear, but fear strikes out." - Kelly Bundy

Al Gore - who believes words like "communism" and "terrorism" are Republican-invented bugaboos, is now screeching about dire warnings of world destruction should we not immediately socialize our economy. Gore and his buddies at Moveon.org are beside themselves with giddness over the upcoming summer blockbuster The Day After Tomorrow, in which global warming causes people to spontaneously turn into human popsicles. The film is based on the book The Coming Global Superstorm by Whitley Streiber and Art Bell. Streiber is best know for his autobiographical novel, Communion, in which he's sucked up into a flying saucer and given dire warnings of imminent environmental disasters by aliens with great big eyes. The last book I read by Streiber, he actually had an alien living in his basement - which I'm sure really cut down on the travel costs. Personally, I wouldn't pal around with someone who kidnapped me out of bed at night just to shove things up my ass and give me a weather forecast. But then again, I never went to a university.

Art Bell's a real space trooper, too. He made a name for himself giving paranoid schizophrenics a venue to spew their demented fantasies about CIA brain implants and aliens with great big eyes. Why Al Gore and MoveOn.org have decided to hitch their wagons to Streiber's Spaceship of Fools is beyond me. Either he's finally gone off the deep end (we always knew it would happen eventually), or he thinks the American people are too stupid to notice that his "scientific facts" come from a clown who upchucks alien prophecy like Princess Diana at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

What it all comes down to is that the democrats, while whining about how the Republicans are using fear to wield power over the masses, are now teaming up with Hollywood producers and alien beings to do the exact same thing.

For an extra laugh, check out Hillary's hysterical "the Republicans are using fear to take away all our rights and ship us off to the gulags" rant...

One Rotten Chalupa

2004-05-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

The AP reports: "Authorities made several arrests and seized documents and computers. Reporters who visited the offices of Chalabi's political organization saw scattered documents on the marble floors, ripped-off cables and overturned furniture. A portrait of Chalabi hanging on the wall in his home had a bullet hole in the forehead."

Something's not kosher. I've seen two different photos of the shattered portrait, and neither one has a bullet hole through the forehead. In the first photo, it has a crack across the bottom like it was knocked off the while. Then in a second photo, the glass is strangely shattered as if someone whacked it with something...but no bullet hole. And no explanation as to why the glass is broken differently in the two photos. I guess the big bad U.S. troops came back after the first photo op and resmashed the picture just for kicks.

No one seems to be asking what kind of egomaniacal goombah would keep large photos of himself hanging around his house, either. Must be a relative of Hans Blix.

U.S. Troops Decapitate Iraqi Child

2004-05-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

"Associated Press Television News footage showed a truck containing bloodied bodies, many wrapped in blankets, piled one atop the other. Several were children, one of whom was decapitated." - Associated Press

"Most of the bodies were wrapped in blankets and other cloths, but the footage showed at least eight uncovered, bloody bodies, several of them children. One of the children was headless." - AP

Even Fox News gets in on it...

"The Dubai-based Al-Arabiya television reported that more than 20 people were killed and 10 injured in the attack. The videotape, obtained and aired by Associated Press Television News, showed about a dozen bodies, one without a head. But it appeared that bodies were piled on top of each other and a clear count was not possible."

The U.S. opened fired on safe house for Iraqi insurgents and killed 40 people. Every one of the news reports oddly describes a "decapitated child" as one of the casualties. I'm sure there are severed heads, arms, legs all over the place. Why focus on the decapitated kid?

Probably because news of another decapitated kid has justified the War on Terror in many people's eyes. The media is simply playing the moral equivelency game again.

Big Unit Throws a Perfect Game, and Stuff

2004-05-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! Sportswriter, Jack McDowell, reports:

"The most impressive part of Johnson's career was his turnaround in 1993. During that season, he decided to be a pitcher rather than a thrower and to get outs instead of trying to strike out everyone.

That year he turned the corner. On his way to winning 19 games and striking out 308 batters, he learned to maximize his talent and stuff. He started becoming one of the most dominating starters in history. "

He "learned to maximize his talent AND STUFF"?

I've always been a fan of Randy, and stuff, so here's a big "attaboy" and stuff to the Big Unit.

9/11 Panel Attacks FDNY, NYPD

2004-05-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so now the FDNY and the NYPD are to blame for the 9/11 terrorists attacks, along with George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, George Tenet, Rudy Giuliani, Rush Limbaugh, Jerry Lewis, Ronald McDonald, and the gal with the nose ring who works the counter at Tower Records. The only people who aren't responsible are the nice folks who flew the planes into the buildings.

It seems like the commission is no longer concerned with fact-finding, but seeing who can get the biggest applause from the Dawg Pound of weepy 9/11 widows. Press accounts of the hearings are starting to sound like an episode of Oprah, with everyone sitting around in a circle and picking at scabs for two hours. Millions of taxpayer dollars are being spent to come to the obvious conclusion that our defense and response entities are choking on the bureaucracy. Millions more will be wasted to create another bureaucracy to fix it.

Damned if you do...

2004-05-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

April 20, 2004
Kerry assails Bush on oil deal report
Book: Saudis to keep pre-election prices low

LAKE WORTH, Fla. -- Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry criticized President George W. Bush on Monday over a report that he had struck a deal with Saudi officials to lower gasoline prices before the election.

"If . . . it is true that gas supplies and prices in America are tied to the American election, tied to a secret White House deal, that is outrageous and unacceptable to the American people," Kerry, a Democratic senator from Massachusetts, said while campaigning in Florida.

May 18, 2004
Kerry Accuses Bush of Breaking Promise

"Where is the president?" Kerry asked in Portland, where gasoline is selling for as much as $2.31 a gallon. "We need a president who is fighting for the American worker, the American family at the fuel pump."

So, to summarize...If gas prices are high, it's Bush fault for not pressuring OPEC to increase production. If gas prices go down, it's because of a secret sweetheart deal between Bush and OPEC to influence the election.

Meanwhile, what is John Kerry's plan for decreasing gas prices? "Twisting the arm" of OPEC to increase oil production, while raising gas taxes to fund perpetual research into alternative energy sources. I'd like to see John Kerry "twist" anyone's arm when he doesn't have the character or courage to twist the cap off a bottle of Snapple.

No Standing-O at Cannes for These Guys

2004-05-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

THE MARINE

We all came together,
Both young and old.
To fight for our freedom,
To stand and be bold.?

In the midst of all evil,
We stand our ground,
And we protect our country
From all terror around.

Peace and not war,
Is what some people say.
But I'll give my life,
So you can live the American way

I give you the right,
To talk of your peace,
To stand in your groups,
And protest in our streets.?

But still I fight on.
I don't bitch I don't whine.
I'm just one of the men,
Who is doing your time.?

I'm harder than nails,
Stronger than any machine,
I'm the immortal soldier,
I'm a U.S. MARINE!
?
So stand in my shoes,
And leave from your home.
Fight for people who hate you,
With the protests they've shown.

Fight for the stranger,
Fight for the young,
So they all may have,
The great freedom you've won.?

Fight for the sick,
Fight for the poor.
Fight for the cripple,
Who lives just next door.?

But when your time comes,
Do what I've done.
For if you stand up for freedom
You'll stand when the fights done.?
?
March 23, 2003
Sergeant Aaron M. Gilbert
United States Marine Corps
USS Saipan, Persian Gulf
? 2003 Aaron M. Gilbert

Berg's Father Joins Al Qaeda

2004-05-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

Not being able to get any political ammunition against Bush over the Nick Berg murder video, the media is now centering on Berg's father's statement that his son "died for Bush & Rumsfeld's sins".

"My son died for the sins of George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld. This administration did this," Berg said in an interview with radio station KYW-AM.

In the interview from outside his home in West Chester, Pennsylvania, a seething Michael Berg also said his 26-year-old son, a civilian contractor, probably would have felt positive, even about his executioners, until the last minute.

"I am sure that he only saw the good in his captors until the last second of his life," Berg said. "They did not know what they were doing. They killed their best friend."

Two days after the publication of a video showing the execution of his son by five masked men, Berg attacked the Bush administration for its invasion of Iraq and its sponsorship of the Patriot Act, which gives sweeping powers of surveillance to the federal government.

Berg described the Patriot Act as a "coup d'etat." He added: "It's not the same America I grew up in."

Yes, the Patriot Act sawed your son's head off. And "No Child Left Behind" held him down.

So, like most of the left, Nick Berg's dad sides with the enemy.

I'm sorry for this man's loss, and for his 8.5 seconds worth of grieving. But he's a total asshat who might as well just join up with Al Qaeda if all he's going to do is mimic their rhetoric. He's not doing our troops or our country any favors.

Besides, people who say "coup d'etat" need to be spanked with a 2x4.

But it's a right-wing dominated media...

2004-05-13T15:08:00.000-07:00

Top ten searches on Lycos:

1. Nick Berg video
2. Nick Berg Beheading
3. Nick Berg and Iraq
4. Nick Berg Execution
5. Nick Berg Beheading Video
6. Nick Berg Killing
7. Nick Berg murder
8. Nick Berg assassination
9. Nick Berg decapitation video
10. Execution of Nick Berg.

Top stories on Reuters:

Rumsfeld Flies Into Eye of Iraqi Storm, Sees Jail
US Congress Sees More Evidence of Iraq Inmate Abuse
CIA: Zarqawi Probably Beheaded Berg
Israel Kills 12 in Gaza Strip After Deadly Ambush
World Bank Corruption May Top $100 Bln
Experts: U.S. Should Take Over HIV Treatment for Poor
N.Korea Says U.S. Must Drop CVID Demand in Talks
Bush Team to Rework Iraq Funding After Senate Balks
Berg Died for Bush, Rumsfeld 'Sins' - Father
U.S. Missile Shield Won't Work, Scientist Group Says
Bush Visits West Va. as Polls Slump Over Iraq

AP Top stories:

Gandhi-led opposition wins India election
Judge denies bid to stop gay marriages
Courtney Love pleads innocent to assault
Lieber leads Yanks to 7-4 win over Angels
Official says war budget to exceed $50B
Air pollution linked to genetic mutations
Rumsfeld in Iraq: no cover-up of abuses
CIA says al-Zarqawi beheaded Berg in Iraq
Bush: Bad troops shouldn't sully military
Dow closes down 34 on inflation fears

NY Times:

At Iraqi Prison, Rumsfeld Says Abuse Will Be Dealt With Openly;
Interrogation Methods Violated Geneva Rules
In Huge Upset, Gandhi's Party Wins Election in India
Election Panel Won't Impose New Spending Limits on Groups
C.I.A. Says Qaeda Militant Decapitated American
Harsh Methods Cited in Qaeda Interrogations

Oh, the humanity!

2004-05-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

The International Red Cross reports that guards at Guantanamo are torturing prisoners by giving them unauthorized haircuts. One guard was even cited for punching a prisoner who bit him.

But remarkably, all the "detainees" still seem to have their heads on.

Stop, you're breaking my heart.

2004-05-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

The New York Times reports that the CIA used "harsh methods" when interrogating top Al-Qaeda officials. Threats of violence. Simulated drownings. Blah blah blah. Some "detainees" were even forced to go to bed without a pillow. Funny though - every one of them still has their head attached to their body.

Abuse of Iraqi POW's is disturbing and should be stopped. But excuse me if I don't cry a river because Khalid Shaikh Mohammed got slapped around a little. He planned the 9/11 attacks! Obviously, the NY Times has forgotten what happened in their city, but I haven't. As far as I'm concerned, any al-qaeda "detainee" lives only to provide information. If the CIA has to take hammers to their toes in order to save American lives, then hammer away.

Word on the Arab Street

2004-05-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

Al Jazeera reports on the Arab Street's reaction to the decapitation of Berg.:

"That man went to help rebuild Iraq. I am very sad that he was killed but his stupid government put him there...If his family are looking where to put the blame, they shouldn't look further than the White House," Cairo office worker Mansur Muhammad said.

"Writer Jamal Ghitani suspects the American intelligence agency CIA of "having fabricated and put the (Berg) images on the Internet to make people forget the scandal of torture in Abu Ghraib prison and hide the roots of evil which lie in the occupation, oppression and extermination of man in Iraq and in Palestine."

Here's my favorite:

Khalid Ayman Abd al-Fattah, a 24-year-old journalism student, criticised what he called the orchestrated indignation of the West over the killing of an American or Israeli and its "silence on the atrocious crimes" committed in Iraq.

So basically, the Arab Street is sounding pretty much like the American Left.

Hear no evil, see no evil...

2004-05-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have a theory as to how evil ultimately corrupts the hearts of men. When man experiences an evil, violent act, his "fight or flight" instinct kicks in. One either confronts the threat and fights it, or he tries to get as far away from it as possible. Moral cowardice in the face of evil takes many forms. Typically, is a progressive series of appeasements that ultimately result in adulation for the evil acts themselves.

Denial: One of the ways of fleeing from the evil is to deny it even exists. Evil is a relative term, or it's a construct of organized religion. Nothing is black and white...there are gray areas! The refusal of the media to broadcast 9/11 images is a form of moral cowardice through the denial of evil's existence. And by the way, folks - Nick Berg wasn't "executed", or "beheaded", or "euthanized". He was slaughtered like a goddamn sheep.

Self Loathing: Why, oh why do they hate us? What did we do to make them hate us so? Check out that link, it's a hoot.

Appeasement. Maybe if we give them what they want, they'll be nice to us. Senator Patty Murray's answer to the 9/11 attacks is to build roads and hospitals for the terrorists.

Moral relativity Sure, they gleefully sawed off a kid's head...but look at what we did in Abu Ghraib. Who are we to judge? The media, as well as a few democrat leaders, have already taken this position concerning the slaughter of Nick Berg, as if the terrorists were just sitting around, playing parcheesi with an America Jew until those evil U.S. prison guards gave them an excuse to butcher him.

Sympathy for the Devil. Well gee, if someone occupied my country, I'd do the same thing. That's what we get for being such hegemonic imperialists. See Noam Chomsky.

Blame the victim: Those Americans who were burned, dismembered, and hung from a bridge were probably CIA agents, and had it coming.

Condemn the Righteous. Anyone who opposes evil, or even displays moral clarity, is evil. America is evil. Pat Tillman is evil. The U.S. Military is evil. Bush is evil. Christians are evil.

Take Pleasure from Evil Acts: Just take a look at Democraticunderground.com's masturbatory bliss over Pat Tillman's murder and you'll get the idea.

You can almost watch this process of moral degeneration as it happens, like a cancer of the soul.

On 9/11, for instance, we all saw the face of evil. Many say that the whole world was united at that moment, but Bush squandered that support and now we're more divided than ever. Actually, the division occured when some us gave up the fight against evil and took the road of appeasement. Conservatives are the same place now that they were on 9/11: hunt down the terrorists and destroy them. The left lost it's will on 9/12, and gradually devolved from a brief period of mock patriotism to a point where their rhetoric is almost indistinguishable from that coming from the enemy.

There are some, like Ted Kennedy, Michael Moore, Jim McDermott, Ted Rall and John Kerry who have reached a stage of such grotesque moral cowardice that they no longer recognize true evil when it's right before their very eyes. They blame everyone else for the evil attrocities they've witnessed but the hooded animals who sawed off the kid's head and sang joyfully to his screams.

Of course, the opposite off the flight instinct can be destructive as well. It's far too easy to say "Take the gloves off and nuke 'em all. Fry every last one of them." After watching that video, I will be in that mode for a while. But when I see the photos of U.S. troops playing with groups of smiling, trusting Iraqi kids, I remember what we're fighting for. When I hear stories from troops about how Iraqi citizens will come running out to their humvees and warn them of ambushes or bombs planted in the road, I know that to systematically eradicate an entire group of people because of a few sadistic butchers is not the answer. America is better than that.

However, this "winning the hearts and minds" farce needs to be tossed in the shitter. You can't win the hearts and minds of those who have neither, and we can't win this war if we keep our troops on a PR leash. Let the Marines loose in Falluja. I don't care what the Arab Street thinks - Al-Sadr should be dead and any mosque that is used as a hiding place for the enemy should be flattened. Any nation that houses Al Qaeda should fork them over immediately or face U.S. tanks rolling into their cities. And that fat fucking appeaser Ted Kennedy should be strapped down and forced to watch the Nick Berg video until he chokes on his own bile.

Sorry - I haven't posted for a while, and this one's a doozy...but recent events, as well as extensive dental work, have me a little on the crabby side.

Tomorrow, warm fuzzy kittens for everyone!

OW! That had to hurt.

2004-05-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

NRO has a quote from the navy doctor who treated Kerry's life threatening war wound:

"I have a very clear memory of an incident which occurred while I was the Medical Officer at Naval Support Facility, Cam Ranh Bay.

John Kerry was a (jg), the OinC or skipper of a Swift boat, newly arrived in Vietnam. On the night of December 2, he was on patrol north of Cam Ranh, up near Nha Trang area. The next day he came to sick bay, the medical facility, for treatment of a wound that had occurred that night.

Some of his crew confided that they did not receive any fire from shore, but that Kerry had fired a mortar round at close range to some rocks on shore. The crewman thought that the injury was caused by a fragment ricocheting from that mortar round when it struck the rocks.

That seemed to fit the injury which I treated.

What I saw was a small piece of metal sticking very superficially in the skin of Kerry's arm. The metal fragment measured about 1 cm. in length and was about 2 or 3 mm in diameter. It certainly did not look like a round from a rifle.

I simply removed the piece of metal by lifting it out of the skin with forceps. I doubt that it penetrated more than 3 or 4 mm. It did not require probing to find it, did not require any anesthesia to remove it, and did not require any sutures to close the wound.

The wound was covered with a bandaid.

Not other injuries were reported and I do not recall that there was any reported damage to the boat.

I remember that J. C. (Jess) Carreon was present at the time and he, in fact, made the entry into Lt. Kerry's medical record which has only recently been made available to the public."

I don't think this in anyway diminishes the respect I have for Kerry's service to the country during the Vietnam War. He is, however, a phony, opportunistic, lying dickhead who deserves every bit of grief he gets from those who served with him.

Mystery of the Ages

2004-05-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

Another virus is wreaking havoc across the web today, exploiting security holes in Microsoft Windows.

If a 16 year old computer geek in Manila knows about these "security holes", why don't the actually designers of the freaking software have a clue?

Emboldening the Enemy

2004-04-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

If there's still any question as to whether the yammering from the anti-American left inspires the enemy, take a look at this recent remark from Osama Bin Laden:

"This war makes millions of dollars for big corporations, either weapons manufacturers or those working in the reconstruction [of Iraq], such as Halliburton and its sister companies?

It is crystal clear who benefits from igniting the fire of this war and this bloodshed: They are the merchants of war, the bloodsuckers who run the policy of the world from behind the scenes.

"President Bush and his ilk, the media giants, and the U.N. ? all are a fatal danger to the world, and the Zionist lobby is their most dangerous member."

Evil, bloodsucking corporations. Halliburton. Media Giants. Bush and his ilk. I'm surprised Moveon.org isn't sueing Bin Laden for plaigarism.

We've actually come to a point where the differences between the rhetoric from the left is almost indistinguishable from that of the enemy, and yet we aren't supposed to call them "unpatriotic".

Bush to Be Charged for Genocide

2004-04-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

"President-elect John F. Kerry's rise to the nation's highest office came as little surprise following almost four years of remonstrations against President George W. Bush for his bizarre attack on the defenseless people of Afghanistan.

Kerry, a decorated Vietnam veteran, was the right man for a nation outraged by the Bush administration's pre-emptive war, which, it now seems clear, was based on highly speculative intelligence that Saudi Arabian-born terrorist Osama bin Laden was planning an attack on the U.S.

Absent absolute proof of such an imminent attack, Bush's Sept. 10 bombing of Afghanistan earned him international condemnation and, in all likelihood, an indictment in coming weeks. United Nations (U.N.) Secretary-General Kofi Annan, appearing last night on Larry King Live, said the U.N.'s International Criminal Tribunal likely would bring charges of genocide against the president."

Excellent article by Kathleen Parker.

War Makes Mommy Cry

2004-04-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day must be near, because the left-wing media is wheeling out the crying mommies. Most rational Americans would view the news of Iraqi insurgents running out of room to bury their dead as a sign that our troops are kicking ass unlike ever before. The media, however, views a coalition victory as a democrat loss in November, so any success by our forces is met with gloom and doom stories of dead civilians and crying relatives.

"I have lived in Falluja for 30 years. I have never seen anything like this, what we saw every day in Falluja last week," said Kifaya Ilawee, an elderly woman.

"When the Americans arrived, there were only about 50 guerrillas. By the end of the week there were a few thousand. They are just making the situation worse," said Nada Rabee.

Word to the wise: don't barbecue Americans when you have U.S. Marines parked on your front lawn, Mom.

9,500 year old cat skeleton found

2004-04-08T16:31:00.001-07:00

Archealogists in Egypt have uncovered a 9,500 human skeleton buried with the skeleton of a domesticated cat. That's one old pussy.

They had hoped to recover some valuable ancient artifacts from the tomb as well, but all the drapes were shredded and there was cat piss everywhere.

Remember, folks, have your kitty spayed before it's 9,400th birthday to prevent unwanted pet skeletons from winding up in animal shelters.

*rimshot*

Non-Partisan, My Eye

2004-04-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

I took a few things away from the inquisition of Condoleeza Rice this morning.

1. Whenever a liberal prefaces a question with "Isn't it a fact...", whatever follows will suredly be a lie.

2. There's no such thing as "bi-partisan". In fact, anything "bi-partisan" is typically more partisan than something that's openly "partisan", as those involved can be as partisan as they please while hiding behind a facade of "bi-partisanship".

3. Whenever anyone claims to be "non-partisan", it's because they're afraid people won't take them seriously if they knew just how partisan they really are. The ACLU claims to be a "non-partisan, non-political organization", for instance. I think I might start calling this blog "Non-Partisan Rob", just so I tell people they're crazy when they accuse me of being too partisan. "Partisan? Me? Are you crazy? I'm Non-Partisan Rob!"

4. Condi Rocks.

5. The 9/11 widows in the audience (who insist they are non-partisan, by the way) are actively campaigning for John Kerry, with the help of the mainstream media. No sooner did the hearing end, that the media was reporting "Some 9/11 families angered by Rice's lack of apology" (You'll never hear the media say "A Majority of 9/11 families have no emotional reaction at all to Condoleeza Rice") Remarkably, it's always the same two gals whom the media runs to for statements - the same two gals who will be getting tongue-kissed by Katie tomorrow morning. Whatever happened to that "Let's Roll Gal" whose husband was on one of the planes? They never get quotes from her, because she's a Republican and places the blame for 9/11 on the terrorists who actually did it.

6. Bob Kerrey is mentally ill. How many times did he refer to Dr. Rice as "Dr. Clarke"? I used to have respect for this guy, but after his performance to day, and his crying over Mai Lai a couple years ago, I rank him right up there with Rangel as one of the most insane democrats in office.

Nader Visits Seattle

2004-04-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Ralph Nader wheedled the stoned immaculate at Seattle's Town Hall last weekend. The top line of the evening:

"Now, imagine an America without the Bush corporation. Imagine a White House who sees corporations as our servants, not our masters."

That's the way to encourage success and create jobs in America! Make the bosses the employees!

"What do you want to do when you grow up, Billy?"

"I want to start up a business of my own so I can be a servant to 200 people. Then I want to buy a big ol' mansion with maids and butlers to boss me around."

Bomb Found on Spanish Train Tracks

2004-04-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

Another bomb has been found on railroad tracks in Spain.

This has to be pretty frustrating for the Spanish government, as no one has claimed responsibility yet and they're left wondering who they should surrender to.

Woman Wins Slam Dunk Contest

2004-03-31T08:18:00.000-08:00

A 17 year old, 6' 3" broad beat out 5 boys in a national high school slam dunk contest.

"I hope 10 years from now this isn't a big deal," she said. "That would be my dream. That 10 years from now three or four girls enter the dunk contest and it's not a big deal."

Yes, that exactly what the WNBA needs - more mutant clydesdales galloping up and down the court. Tell you what - if you really want to boost the attendance at women's basketball games, lower the hoop about 3 feet and put Victoria's Secret models on the teams. I guarantee every seat in the house will be filled.

Hell, I'd get season tickets.

Mexican Oompa Song in Progress

2004-03-29T19:09:00.000-08:00

Since the neighbors in my complex enjoy playing their Mexican Oompa music full blast out of their lowriders all hours of the night, I've decided I might as well work on some lyrics. Using my high school level Spanish, this is what I've come up with so far:

Oompa oompa oompa
oompa oompa oompa...
I got diarrhea from Corona and gonnorea from su maaaaaadre
Mi gato is a fat-o and his scat-o smells just like su paaaadre.

Oompa oompa oompa oompa
I met a senorita on the street-a, she steal mi corazon...
She say "fifty pesos por a beso or bandejo, leave me alone."
Waaaaaaa ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!

Oompa oompa oompa oompa
I say mi amore, here's the story, I'm too poor-y for a bolladero...
A zorrero take mi dinero and a perro ate mi sombrerrrrrro..
Chocho grande'! RRrrrrraaaa hhaaahaaa!

oompa oompa oompa...
I hide mi jaco up mi cracko and eat a taco with Jason Giambi.
Now I got caca in mi baca y Clint Eastwood es El Hombre with No Nombre.
Heyyyyyy Blondayyy!!!! Whaaaaaahaaahahaha!!!!

Okay, the last stanza was a little thin, but I like I said, it's a work in progress.

Whaddya think, amigos?

Tax Cuts for the Rich! Tax Cuts for the Rich!

2004-03-26T16:31:00.000-08:00

After months of whining about Bush's "tax cuts for the rich" and ridiculing the notion that they actually spur job growth, John Kerry has announced that if elected, he will give tax cuts to the rich in order to spur job growth. Has Lurch turned into a capitalist pig? Not quite. He's still going to raise taxes on anyone making over $200,000 a year, and parcel it out to whatever unions currently own him. Plus, he wants to close the "loophole" that allows U.S. based companies to get out of paying taxes on profits they make overseas. He's seems to be under the assumption that this will prevent employers from sending jobs out of the country. However, I suspect it will do the exact opposite, by encouraging U.S. based companies to no longer be "U.S. based". Corporations like General Electric, for instance, will become a European company with U.S. holdings, instead of the other way around.

No wonder the French like him.

Israel Unveils Miniature Spy Planes

2004-03-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

Look at these little boogers. Now if they can only find some miniature pilots to fly them...

Headline of the Day

2004-03-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

From Reuters: "Kerry to Offer Broad International Tax Law Changes".

Talk about targeted tax cuts! So who's the lucky broad?

What Did the Tin Foil Hat Brigade Wear Before Tin Foil?

2004-03-26T08:32:00.000-08:00

Susan Lindauer, that crazy broad who was arrested for spying on Iraq, actually has some very good reasons for doing so:

"Someone put acid on the steering wheel of my car on a day I was supposed to drive to [New York City] for a meeting at the Libya House...I scrubbed my hands with a toilet brush, but my face was burned so badly that 3 weeks later friends worried I might be badly scarred. Also, my house was bugged with listening devices and cameras - little red laser lights in the shower vent. And I survived several assassination attempts."

Sure, it's easy to blow this off as the insane raving of a paranoid conspiracy nut, but one has to wonder why so many conspiracy nuts share delusions containing the same basic elements - lasers beams, gamma rays, electronic listening devices, black helicopters, etc. On a BBS I used to terrorize, there was this lunatic who thought the CIA followed him around in black vans and shot laser beams at him out of porcelain figurines. Phillip K. Dick thought he was shot with a pink beam of light from a metal fish or some such thing. Uri Gellar said he was shot between the eyes with a laser when he was 4 years old, bestowing upon him the mystical power to ruin everyone's silverware. A quick glance at any conspiracy forum will reveal several people who claim to be taking orders from voices coming out of common household appliances. Are these paranoid fantasies similar by coincidence, or are they all feeding each other crap via the media?

I wonder what these nuts saw back before laser beams, black helicopters, and the CIA even existed. Werewolves and leprechauns? Were historical accounts of divine encounters actually paranoid delusions? If so, that crazy guy at the bus station who says God speaks to him through his toaster might actually be the next Paul of Tarsus.

Laugh of the Day

2004-03-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

Howard Dean endorsing Kerry today:

"Who would you rather have in charge of the defense of the United States of America - a group of people who never served a day overseas in their life or a guy who served his country honorably and has three Purple Hearts and a Silver Star from the battlefields of Vietnam?"

Why didn't Dean say this back when he was running for president?

Any what's up with the Bobsey Twins? They look like a couple of fruits in line at a San Francisco courthouse. If Bush and Cheney appeared in public dressed exactly the same, the media would have a field day.

9/11 Hens Swoon at Clarke's Farwellian Performance

2004-03-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

One could almost hear the sound of violins playing as media darling Dick Clarke blubbered an apology at the 9/11 hearings yesterday:

Clarke spoke directly to the 9/11 Family Members in the courtroom, saying: "Those entrusted with protecting you, failed you. And I failed you. We tried hard but that doesn't matter because we failed. I would ask, once all the facts are out, for your understanding and for your forgiveness."

Reuters reports: "Beverly Eckert, whose husband died in the World Trade Center, said she 'totally broke down' at Clarke's apology."

Remarkably, Eckert and other 9/11 Family Members managed to compose themselves enough to make the morning talk show rounds this morning.

Patty Casazza, who lost her husband in the New York attacks, told ABC's Good Morning America: "It's the first time we have had a public apology by any of the officials that were in office on that terrible morning. An apology goes a long way to healing the wounds and moving forward."

Lovely. Now if we can just get Bin Laden to apologize, all will be right with the world.

On the Today Show Kristen Breitweiser, who lost her husband and her mind in the World Trade Center attack, said some of the commission members had "sunk to a level of partisan politics" by criticizing Clarke and questioning his credibility.

"We want it to be independent, bipartisan. I think it is most unfortunate that it became a character assassination," she said. When Clarke attacks Bush, it's bi-Partisan. When Bush defends himself, it's the dirty work of the Right-Wing Attack Machine.

This is the same Kristen Breitwesier, by the way, who has been parroting the tired "Bush read stories to school children while New York burned!" line of crap all over the media for the past couple of months. So much for not politicizing 9/11.

*BEGIN RANT HERE*

Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass about what the exalted 9/11 Family Members have to say. F*CK the 9/11 Family Members! I'm sorry for their losses, but they do NOT own 9/11. The fact that your husband was taking a leak on the 47th floor of Tower Two when the planes hit might make for a good Touched By an Angel episode - but it doesn't make you an expert on National Security, nor doesn't it exempt you from any criticism or reproach. 3,000 people died on 9/11; I'm quite sure that some of them were related to left-wing, hate-America assholes. If anything, the attacks only radicalized their anti-Americanism and gave them an excuse to create another politically motivated victims group.

And Dick Clarke can shove his teary-eyed "apology" up his flinty-eyed maverick whistleblower ass. The hearings are supposed to about learning the facts, not scoring group hugs from the Oprah crowd.

Medicare Insolvent by 2019

2004-03-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

The laugh of the day is the general reaction from the left over the news that Medicare will be insolvent by 2019. John Kerry took time out from spewing profanities at Secret Service agents to blame Bush with the ridiculous remark: "In just one year, George Bush's reckless policies have sped Medicare seven years closer to bankruptcy."

So the problem isn't that Medicare is going bankrupt, but that it's going bankrupt ahead of schedule. As much as we try to keep this Ponzi scheme alive by pumping money into it, it's still just 15 years away from collapse.

I guess we'll have to raise taxes. But just on the rich, though.

Here's to Pissing on Yassin's Grave

2004-03-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

Hamas suicide bombers kill 7 people on the very day Sharon prepares for a summit with Palestinian leaders, and there's nary a peep from the "International Community" about the "stalled peace process". The day after the founder of Hamas is reduced to an indistinguishable smear on the asphalt, the worldwide screech of condemnation against Israel is almost deafening. I'm not really sure what the "peace process" is, but it obviously involves crowded Israeli buses and restaurants routinely being blown to smithereens while Israel bends over and takes it.

Whatever the "peace process" was, the towel heads say it's now KAPUT. They'll be no peace for Israel now, they say! They were only strapping dynamite to their children and sending them into Jewish delis before, but now Sharon's gone and made them really mad! Palestinian Prime Minister, Patty O'Brien, declared that the attacks have "opened up the gates of hell". If so, I'm sure Shiek Yassin will be the first to roll out on his smoldering little wheelchair and say "78 virgins, my charred ass!"

Joseph Farah at World Net Daily has a great article on the subject.

Asshat of the Century

2004-03-16T16:14:00.000-08:00

Rarely does an op-ed column irritate me to such a degree that I fire off an angry letter to the author. Susan Ager of the Detriot Free Press has pushed few buttons with her recent piece of effluvia "Spaniards have Things to Teach America". Read it here, and then take gander at my amazingly profanity-free response...

Ms. Ager -

In your recent column, "Spaniards have things to teach America" (March 16, 2004), you assert that America could learn a lesson from the way millions of Spaniards lit candles and stood "shoulder to shoulder in the rain" in response to terrorist attacks last week.

How wrong you are. If anything, the Spaniards have a lesson to learn from US. When the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, Americans didn't hold hands in the rain, sing Koom-bye-ah, and then toss FDR out of office. They united to crush those responsible for the attack, and succeeded in defeating the Japanese, and saving Europe from fascism. When terrorists hit us on 9/11, we didn't have a good cry and then surrender to Al Qaeda. We came together as one nation to show those responsible that we won't be cowed by their brutal attacks. We came out to show our national pride and support for our troops - despite certain people sneering and belittling any display of patriotism as "flag-waving jingoism"

You began your column with the statement: "As a rule, Americans do not gather by the millions in the streets." In a way, you're right. Americans don't waste time wringing their hands and wallowing in self pity. We pick ourselves up and FIGHT, and that's why we remain FREE. America's unique ability to unify in the face of danger and defeat a common foe is what makes us strong, and perhaps that's the very reason why you hail Spain's pathetic response to attacks on its people.

It seems like people such as yourself are for national unity only when it's a unified surrender.

Rob the Right Wing Extremist
Seattle, WA

Spain Surrenders

2004-03-15T07:00:00.001-08:00

If anyone wants to take over Spain, it's pretty damn easy. Two hundred dead is all it takes for them to surrender to Al Qaeda. Three days after terrorist attacks in one Spanish city, they're all ready to give Osama whatever he wants. Poland stood up to the Nazis for a whole month before it fell. It's a good thing Bin Laden didn't order the Spaniards to cut of their balls - they'd have to bring people in from Poland to comply.

The scary thing is, the incoming Socialist prime minister, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, basically ran on John Kerry's platform of appeasement as a means to combat terrorism.

The Passion Update

2004-03-09T10:02:00.000-08:00

The Passion of the Christ gross as of 3/8/2004: $218,949,000

Incidents of anti-Semitic violence attributed to the film: 0

Incidents of liberal movie critics insisting that the film will encourage anti-Semitic violence: 94

"Foreign Leaders" Support Kerry

2004-03-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

"I've met foreign leaders who can't go out and say this publicly, but boy they look at you and say, 'You've got to win this, you've got to beat this guy, we need a new policy,' things like that." - John Kerry

What I want to know is: How in the HECK did John Kerry get access to Saddam Hussein?

Webster Gets Hip to the Scene

2004-03-08T15:46:00.000-08:00

From the Merriam-Webster website:

Main Entry: mar·riage
Pronunciation: 'mer-ij, 'ma-rij
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English mariage, from Anglo-French, from marier to marry
1 a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage b : the mutual relation of married persons : WEDLOCK c : the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage
2 : an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities
3 : an intimate or close union

Howard Stern: "Bush is Out to Get Me"

2004-03-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

Howard Stern bloviates:

"My days here are numbered because I dared to speak out against the Bush administration and say that the religious agenda of George W. Bush concerning stem cell research and gay marriage is wrong."

Right - your career's over, just like the Dixie Chicks. Bush just got up one morning and said, "Who shall I go after today? Al Qaeda? Osama? Hmmmm....I know! I'll bring down Howard Stern! Get Powell in here!"

The only thing larger than Stern's big mouth is his overinflated ego. With the War on Terror and his campaign kicking into gear, I'm sure Bush has more important things to do right now than chase around Howard Stern, or Don Imus, or Garrison Keiler.

The Taj Mahal of Toilets

2004-03-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

Responding to complaints of downtown business owners concerning rampant public urination and defecation, the City of Seattle has spent the past 10 years and millions of dollars trying to put an end to it. First, they placed ordinary honey buckets around town, which quickly turned into free apartments for street bums, cheap motel rooms for hookers, and a nice place for junkies to shoot up in private. Eventually, the stench from these portable crappers was so overpowering, that the homeless people they were designed to entice rejected them completely. Willie the Wino went right back to crapping on the sidewalk in broad daylight.

So a plan was concocted to install a more enticing latrine, one that street bums would be proud to call "home". Seattle bureaucrats looked far and wide for a toilet that would not only impress Seattle's incontinent indigents, but flush huge amounts of taxpayer dollars right down the loo as well. At last, The Dream Latrine was found in Germany, which is known worldwide for it's thriving toilet industry - and little else. After a few years and several million dollars worth of bureaucratic bullshitting, Seattle leased six hi-tech, self-cleaning toilets from Germany at a cost of $600,000 per year, and installed them in the sleaziest areas of town. To discourage camping, the toilets gives you 15 minutes to do your duty before the doors open, exposing you to the world.

I am sure this will discourage modest bums and hookers from squatting, but the kind of people who crap on the street don't care if people are watching. In fact, they get a kick out of it. The asshats on the Seattle city council don't realize that the reason Willy the Wino pisses all over them at the sidewalk cafe isn't because he has no place else to go - but rather because he's completely S.F.N. There are plenty of public restrooms to use in the mall or city library, as long as you aren't insane and pushing a shopping cart full of old shoes and broken chandeliers. But there's no fun in that. It's far more entertaining to watch the expression on the faces of tourists as you pull down your pants and lay a loaf in the middle of the town square.

So about the only thing these giant, stainless steel outhouses are going to attract are journalists and sleestaks. But whether the scheme works or not doesn't matter, as long as we feel good about helping the homeless.

Read more about the Taj Mahal of Toilets here.

Haitian Leader Completely S.F.N.

2004-03-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

Jean-Bertrand Aristide wants the world to know that he's completely shit-fucking nuts. Not only is he accusing U.S. troops of kidnapping him, he's enlisted the help of congressional lunatics Maxine Waters and Charles Rangel to get out the word. So now of course, Waters is already denouncing our military and yammering to everyone about how the racist U.S. has overthrown and kidnapped her buddy Aristide.

The man has a French name, and hails from a nation that was once a French colony - so you have to expect a certain amount of moonbat arrogance and downright insanity from the guy. But this jackass shoots right past Chirac on the Weaselometer. He apparently thinks that U.S. Marines are obligated to serve as his personal bodyguards, fire on his own people, and possibly die themselves just to keep his sorry ass in power. Refusal to do so is equivelent to a coup d'etat.

"I was told that to avoid bloodshed I'd better leave...I called this coup d'etat in a modern way, to have modern kidnapping."

Obviously, U.S. forces offered him safe passage out of the country and that's it. They've got him holed up at someplace called "The Palace of the Renaissance", which he described as being either a "house" or a "hotel", but then said it was "just like prison". I don't know what the prisons are like where he comes from, but I'm sure he'd prefer to be locked up in a house/hotel/palace in Africa than a prison in Haiti.

However, since he's decided to be an asshole and bite the hand that feeds him, I think we should put him right back where we found him and pull out. I'm sure he'll get the definition of "coup d'etat" straight soon enough.

Rob's Tunes

2004-02-25T19:04:00.000-08:00

Jim over at Snooze Button Dreams and Mike the Marine are engaged in a blatant ploy to attract blog hits. Not one to pass up a good blog traffic enhancement scam, I've decided to play along...

"What are the first 10 songs that come up if you put (insert your music playing program) on random?"

I'll do 20, so I'll draw twice as much traffic:

1. Dead Can Dance - The Spider's Stratagem
2. Elvis Presley - Little Sister
3. Snot - Snot
4. Clarence Carter - Strokin'
5. Jose Carreras - O Souverain, O Juge, O Pere
6. Saga - On the Loose
7. Reservoir Dogs Soundtrack - Little Green Bag
8. Johnny Cash - Rock Island Line
9. Steeler's Wheels - Stuck in the Middle With You
10. Johann Strauss - Persian Waltz
11. Throwing Muses - Bright Yellow Gun
12. Frank Sinatra w/ Dino & Bingo - The Oldest Floating Crap Game in New York
13. Dave Dudley - Six Days on the Road
14. Tom Jones - She's a Lady
15. Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me
16. Bobby Darin - Beyond the Sea
17. Marty Robbins - El Paso
18. MDFMK - Missing Time
19. Johnny Cash - Rusty Cage
20. KMFDM - Who Made Who

The Defense of Marriage Amendment

2004-02-25T17:55:00.000-08:00

I'm getting tired of yammering on and on about gays every time I blog, but it's dominating the news every day. Democrats claim Bush's sudden call for a defense of marriage amendment is meant to distract us from the economy, but I'm inclined to think that the left's sudden push for the legalization of gay marriage is meant to distract us from the war on terror. Personally, I wish San Francisco would split off from the mainland, so they could have their own sovereign, little Republic of Homoslavia and leave the rest of us alone.

I'm sure that most gay couples simply want the legal benefits that a marriage provides, but that can be done without calling it "marriage". The truth is that gay activists, who are the ones leading this assinine charge for gay marriage, are using the phony issue of discrimination against gay couples in order to destroy the very institution of marriage itself, while normalizing sexual deviancy in the process. Once you've redefined the meaning of "marriage" to include anyone and anything that desires to marry, then what's the point of marriage at all? Everyone might as well just screw willy-nilly, like apes at the zoo.

I often wonder why these gay activists only seek to destroy the institutions that most Americans hold sacred: marriage, the boy scouts, the clergy, the military, tv sitcoms. You never hear about "gay rights" groups demanding equal access to things the rest of us can live without, like Carrot Top.

Just once, I'd like to open the paper and read: "Same-sex couples demand Carrot Top perform in San Francisco more often; conservative groups overjoyed". Better yet, I'd pay to read: "San Francisco Mayor strangles annoying redhead comedian with bare hands; encourages same-sex couples to tear his lifeless body apart".

I bet Bush would get behind that one, too.

What's wrong with this picture?

2004-02-25T12:35:00.000-08:00

Here's a great photo of John Kerry explaining to Ohio steelworkers how the unemployment rate and overseas export of jobs is all Bush's fault. What struck me is that despite being unemployed, these steelworkers continue to show up at the mill wearing their hardhats. That's dedication, folks!

I've also noticed that John Kerry's Botox seem to be wearing off, and he wears that same stupid jacket whenever he speaks to blue collar workers.

Enalrge Y0ur Pen1s!

2004-02-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

Spam e-mailers are going to extraordinary measures to beat your spam filters. First, they purposely misspell any word that might cause the filters to block the mail. Hence, "Enlarge Your Penis" becomes "Enalrge Y0ur Pen1s". Then they surrounded their spam with a bunch of random words in a white font so they're basically invisible. As a result, I get these Burroughs-esque stream-of-thought emails every morning:

"dreariness virtuoso airliner gorge coiling
ENALRGE Y0UR PEN1S (ENETR EHRE)squadrons lures disrupted stoops Castroism
molested lustrous pardoners superposed outlay
Pease mannerly jamming finals watches
engagingly audited Rotarian meantime withheld
Fraser grafter dolphins invisible inclining
davyr6 . info / oz . html alterable Carib lazier cultivable erasing."

Gee, I wasn't really thinking about having my penis enlarged, but who can resist a sales pitch like that? Get Doctor Benway on the horn! That's the guy I want hovering over my exposed genitalia with a sharp instrument!

Kerry Blasts Crusader Bush

2004-02-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

President Bush is being attacked on two fronts today...

Sen. John Kerry:

"This is a campaign planned by special interests and powerful corporations with their agents in the NRA, the KKK, and the 700 Club. Bush alleges that his troops have spread freedom in the world, that Iraq had achieved democracy thanks to his coalition forces, that his government has crushed more than two-thirds of al Qaeda and that...2.6 million new jobs will be created in the next fiscal year. Bush talks about a prosperity that millions of muslims are not seeing, feeling or living. Let Bush come to Ohio and give a speech to the workers of Ohio about their real lives. "

Ayman al-Zawahri, Bin Laden's right-hand man

"This is a campaign planned by the Crusader Zionists with their agents in Egypt, Turkey and Tunisia and other Islamic countries! Bush, strengthen your defenses and your security measures, for the Ohio workers who sent you the legion of New York and Washington has determined to send you legion after legion seeking jobs and affordable health care. Let the people of Afghanistan hear from the president about how he's going to help them keep their jobs or find new jobs in an economy that's not creating jobs as fast as they are disappearing. "

"This is a new sign of the Crusader hatred which Republicans harbor against same-sex couples while they boast of freedom, democracy and human rights. The leader of the most powerful country on earth is not embarrassed to say these deceptions and lies."

Gay Brits Throw Hissy Over Message on U.S. Bomb

2004-02-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

Gay forces members 'disgusted by US military homophobia'

Gay service members in the UK have objected to a homophobic message on a US bomb.
A photograph of the USS Enterprise shows a bomb with "Highjack This Fags" written on it...

The Armed Forces Lesbian and Gay Association says they are concerned about the insult.

We sure wouldn't want any gay terrorists to suddenly become offended by the message on this bomb seconds before it hits them. This will only contribute to the already high suicide rate among gay suicide bombers.

The next time you complain about the military being turned into a government-funded social engineering program, think of the British armed forces actually having a "Lesbian and Gay Association". In another 30 years, a pack of cub scouts will be able to take over Great Britain. That is, if the cub scouts even still exist.

Coach Warned For Pulling Down Player's Shorts

2004-02-22T07:12:00.000-08:00

If I pulled down some 15 year old girl's shorts at the place I work, not only would my ass hit the curb, angry villagers would chase me out of town with clubs and pitchforks. But then again, I'm not a union member.

Coach Warned For Pulling Down Player's Shorts

BREMERTON, Wash. -- The school district has warned a Central Kitsap High School coach who pulled down a 15-year-old girl's shorts during practice.

If there's another incident of "pantsing" girls basketball coach Denise Baxter could lose her job.

The incident occurred about a year ago and the coach received a warning in June.

Parents complained last month to the school board. They say the incident took place in front of a male trainer and other males as well as in front of her teammates.

After further review, the school board president said Thursday night no further discipline is planned.

Will Nader Run?

2004-02-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

He's thinking it over, weighing his options, and waiting to see if the Democrats will pay him more to stay out of the race, or the Republicans to stay in it. I've already sent ol' Ralphie my two cents: throw your hat in, seatbelt boy! I'm rootin' for ya! You da man!

Can I PLEASE just eat my freaking lunch in PEACE?

2004-02-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

I get politics on TV, I get it on the radio, I get it in the newspapers - can I please just sit here and eat my french dip in peace? Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of French Dip, here comes John Kerry.

"Howdy folks! It's me, John Farmboy Kerry. I was just passing through this fine town of Elk Snout, Wisconsin with about 40 members of the press, and I thought I'd drop in, say hello, stoke the fires of class warfare a little bit. Enron. Hey, YOU! Pa Kettle! What's that you're eating?"

"Ummm...a cheeseburger."

"Well a cheeseburger is about all you can buy with that so-called 'tax cut' Bush claims he gave you. Meanwhile, Kenny-Boy Lay is living it up on prime rib and caviar with your hard-earned money! Whaddya think about that, Billy Bob?"

"My name's Doug."

"Whatever! Now let's get a couple pictures for the folks back in the states. Tell me something about yourself and I'll make a face like I'm really concerned about what you're saying. Halliburton."

"Well, I run a nice sized dairy farm a couple miles - "

"Whoops! Look at the time! Gotta go! Kerry in '04 folks! War hero! Vietnam! The Real Deal! Ciao!"

Demond Tutu Puts on his Holy Asshat

2004-02-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

Doing his best to prove that they only give Nobel prizes to lunatics, Bishop Desmond Tutu has demanded that George Bush and Tony Blair apologize for the war in Iraq. He didn't mention exactly whom they need to apologize to, but the devil's in the details.

"Weak and insecure people hardly ever say 'sorry'. It is large-hearted and courageous people who are not diminished by saying, 'I made a mistake.'"

Then like a typical asshat, he contradicts himself by insisting that Saddam be tried in an international court. If the War in Iraq was a mistake, then Saddam must be innocent. So why try him at all?

I haven't seen Tutu's whole speech, but I'm sure he'll demand that Saddam apologize for his crimes against humanity, and that Osama Bin Laden apologize for 9/11. I'm sure he'll suggest that his buddy Nelson Mandela apologize for his terrorist attacks against innocent civilians in South Africa, too. I know he will, because they don't give Nobel Prizes out to hypocrites. Just lunatics.

When Kites Attack!

2004-02-16T15:10:00.000-08:00

Since there's no skiing in Pakistan, the nation's idiots have taken up extreme kite-flying:

"At least 10 people have been killed and dozens injured during the annual Basant kite festival in Pakistan.

Three people were electrocuted in Lahore when banned metal wires they were using to fly kites - or catch stray ones - fell onto electric power lines.

A young girl's throat was reportedly slit by a stray metal kite string stretched across a road, while at least two people fell from rooftops.

Two men were also reportedly killed when they were hit by cars while trying to catch stray kites.

Despite a ban on firing guns, several people were injured by stray bullets.

Officials at a Lahore hospital said 42 children and 60 adults had been treated for kite-related injuries.."

Laying it on a little thick, dontcha think?

2004-02-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

Clark Endorses Kerry:

"I ask you to join me in standing up for an American who has given truly outstanding service to his country in peace and in war," Clark told a rally at the University of Wisconsin.

"Sir, request permission to come aboard," Clark, a retired four star general, asked the Massachusetts senator. "The Army's here!"

Kerry, a decorated Vietnam War veteran, responded, "Welcome aboard" and told Clark he should be prepared "to walk point" in the campaign.

Gee, you think these guys were in the military? You have to feel sorry for these guys, though - god bless their little hearts. The democrats have never ran on a national security platform before. Hell, they aren't running on one now. But they sure want to appear as if they are.

John Kerry Campaigns in Arkansas

2004-02-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

Either there's a blue light special in the ladies underwear department, or Drudge is reporting that Kerry may have had a secret trist with an intern.

John Kerry Campaigns in Iran

2004-02-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

Memri reports that John Kerry sent an campaign email message to Iran's Mehr News Agency.

No big surprise there. He's already got the terrorist vote.

No Gay Marriage Amendment

2004-02-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Now that Bush has alienated his conservative base, he's trying to win us back with a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Between close-ups of Janet's purple hooter and shots of Billie Jean King look-alikes embracing outside the Massachussets Statehouse, I'm afraid to look at my online news in the morning. Maybe I'm just a grump, but I'm completely indifferent to displays of jubilant elation from broads with Wayne Newton hair.

Personally, I'm against gay marriage. I think it's an abomination, an insult to God, and downright creepy. But I'm strongly against a gay marriage ban in the Constitution - and a flag burning ban, for that matter. The Republicans need to get it into their heads that the Constitution should only be amended to protect personal freedom and limit government power. Once we start putting "Thou Shalt Nots" in the Constitution, there'll be no stopping it.

Kerry on National Defense

2004-02-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

I was just perusing John Kerry's campaign website, to see how he stands (or crawls) on national defense. I was hoping for a good laugh, and I sure got one:

If elected, John Kerry's national defense policy will be to:

1. Repeal Bush's tax cuts for the rich
2. Increase federal funding of fire departments
3. Increase police overtime pay
4. Increase port security

So John Kerry's number one plan for homeland security, after raising taxes, is to pour federal money into the Firefighter unions.

I'm all for giving firefighters the tools they need to save lives and protect their own, but they don't get called in until after the planes hit the buildings. I'd like to know what these democrats are going to do to prevent a terrorist attack, not how they're going to pull my lifeless corpse from the smoking rubble.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a lot of details on Kerry's site about how he plans to fight terrorism. Under "Crime", he promises he will "bring information technology to the war on terror", whatever that means. He elaborates a little more under "Foreign Policy", claiming he will seek "progressive internationalism" - that's the democrat secret code for "I'll put our troops under UN control". He sure instills alot of confidence, that Kerry. I know I'll feel much safer once France runs the show.

The democrats can wave John Kerry's military service around all they want, but they've got their pants down around their ankles when it comes to national defense. If the Republicans would get their heads out of their asses and start pointing this crap out, Bush just might get re-elected.

Dean to Stay in Race Until Ringing in Head Stops

2004-02-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

A good one from Scrappleface...

Kucinich Wins Big in Washington State

2004-02-09T18:42:00.000-08:00

Out of a total of 200,000 registered voters participating in last weekend's Washington State democratic caucus, 8% of them actually voted for Dennis Kucinich. I don't know what's more disconcerting: the thought of 16,000 raving lunatics walking the streets, or the fact that they actually vote. Maybe that ol' liberal saw about Reagan closing down all the mental hospitals and setting the lunatics loose has an element of truth.

Despite his huge victory, I expect ol' Dennis will be throwing in the towel soon. It's a shame, too, because he was probably the most honest democrat running. Honesty is a liability in the democrat party nowadays, because honest democrats sound like they're in the midst of a crack-induced hallucination.

For instance, Kerry will claim that he's strong on national defense, although he's voted consistently to slash defense budgets throughout his career. Kucinich, however, lays his cards on the table:

"I propose trimming the Pentagon budget by 15% or $60 billion."

Sure, cutting defense in the wake of a major terrorist attack is sheer insanity, but at least he's honest.

Kerry will also talk about repealiing "Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy", but he'll never come right out and say that he wants to redistribute the wealth. Kucinich devotes a whole page on his website to exactly how he's going to do just that:

"The Progressive Tax Act of 2003 gives $87 billion per year to people with modest income and families in the middle class. The bill collects an additional $107 billion per year from the Bush tax cuts, corporate tax loopholes, and other tax giveaways."

We've always known that democrats had such idiotic ideas, but they're usually more sneaky about it. Their losses in 2000 and 2002 have made them more brazen, and perhaps a little careless. But while Kucinich comes off like the jibbering maniac on the last page of the voter's pamphlet, it's only because he's being honest.

Happy Birthday, President Reagan!

2004-02-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

"We've done our part. And as I walk off into the city streets, a final word to the
men and women of the Reagan revolution, the men and women across America who for 8
years did the work that brought America back. My friends: We did it. We weren't just
marking time. We made a difference. We made the city stronger, we made the city freer,
and we left her in good hands. All in all, not bad, not bad at all."

Farewell Address to the Nation, January 20th, 1989.

A Nation Divided?

2004-02-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

Jonah Goldberg has a great article on NRO about the moonbat assertion that the country is "more divided than ever before":

"Ask yourself: 'If liberals believe that it's such a wonderful thing to live in a united nation, why aren't they more nostalgic for the 1950s or 1920s?' Well, we know the answer. If the American consensus isn't a liberal consensus, then, well, to hell with consensus. So, even today liberal and feminist historians mock and deride the 1950s as if the American soul were locked in a steamer trunk for the entire decade. And liberal politicians, like Dean, talk about the 1960s as a time of great unity, because in their book 'unity' means liberal ascendance and nothing more."

Damned if He Does, Damned if He Doesn't

2004-02-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

From the MoveOn.Org website: "In an attempt to evade responsibility for the misleading statements that pushed the nation into war, Bush has announced plans to form an independent inquiry to look into what went wrong. An inquiry would serve the Bush administration well: it would envelop the issue in a fog of uncertainty, deflect blame onto the intelligence services, and delay any political damage until 2005, after the upcoming election."

So now they're condemning Bush for calling for an inquiry? Yup, the last thing we need right now is answers, Dubya! Better to just take the blame for every insane thing the democrats accuse you of, so you don't adversely effect their chances come election time!

But seriously, folks...

2004-02-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

"Congratulations to Senator John Kerry – the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don’t give Kerry a big head." - Jay Leno

John Kerry Will Win Back Our Allies!

2004-02-04T16:56:00.000-08:00

"I will renew our alliances. I will rejoin the community of nations. I will build the kind of cooperative effort that we need in order to be able to win." - Sen. John Kerry.

Crazy John's always talking about "winning back our allies", but he's never specific. Exactly what "allies" have we lost? What "allies" will he win back?

Maybe it's just me, but I suspect he's talking about France. We have 60+ nations allied with us in Iraq and Afghanistan, but we ain't got France! I don't recall France ever really being an ally of ours, though - at least not in the same, strict, sense of the term lefties wish to apply to the nations helping us now.

So in what capacity would the French help us? They aren't great fighters. They aren't even pleasant company. The only thing they're really good at is appeasing dictators, and they can't even do that now with Saddam out of power.

Rob's Oscar Predictions

2004-02-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

Every year I enlighten my adoring fans with my amazing Oscar predictions.
This year, as you all may know, Titanic is expected to SWEEP the awards. But I, in my divine wisdom, predict that it will take home only 11 out of the 14 oscars it is nominated for, tieing Ben Hur for most oscars awarded to a single movie.

I also predict that Susan Lucci will not take home an oscar this year, Cher will be ridiculed in the media for her choice of attire, and the ceremonies themselves will run over schedule.

Here now are my startling predictions for each of the main award categories:

Best Picture: Titanic. If this movie doesn't win, hordes of angry pubescent girls and fat houswives will rush the stage and murder the presenters.

Best Director: James Cameron for Titanic. Maybe after he wins this one, he'll stop making drippy chick flicks and start working on a REAL movie, like Terminator 3.

Best Actor: Jack Nicholson for As Good As It Gets. Let's face it, Jack is simply the best actor in this category. Hoffman already got an Oscar for dressing up like a broad, for christsake! And Peter Fonda? Give me a break! I've seen better acting on The Love Boat which he was probably on 18,000 times. Besides, his sister is weird.

Best Actress: Helen Hunt for As Good As It Gets. I never really liked this broad. Her face is just way too pointy. But as Jodie Foster will tell you, pointy-faced broads are sure wins at the Oscars. I just hope she doesn't poke someone's eye out with that nose of hers.

Best Supporting Actress: Kim Basinger for L.A. Confidential.I haven't seen this flick, but Basinger's been up and down the talk show circuit whining about how miserable her life is, so she's bound to win. Besides, she's got a nice ass.

Best Supporting Actor: Robin Williams for Good Will Hunting.Williams will win this oscar not for his acting, but because he's bound to give a wacky acceptance speech. Think about it. Who would you rather listen to for five minutes: Robin Williams or Burt Reynolds? Besides, Reynolds pissed everyone off with the whole Loni Anderson ordeal. How can a guy leave a pair of hooters like those? There must be something wrong with him, and that's why he won't win.

Well, there you have it, my Oscar predictions for 1998. If you like, you can print them out to see if any of them actually come true, but I wouldn't waste the paper. I'm always right.

How NOT to Falsify a Photo

2004-02-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

I've seen more convincing trickery in ol' Soviet politburo photos. Why Reuters does this shit is beyond me.

U Scan, U Moron!

2004-01-30T19:17:00.000-08:00

I made a couple of brilliant conclusions while grocery shopping this afternoon:

1. Whoever stocks the back pain medication on the very bottom shelf should be shot like a dog in the street.

2. Whoever invented the automated "U-Scan" checkers has way too much faith in the intelligence of the average human being.

For those who shop at stores that haven't "progressed" enough to install these evil devices yet, they basically allow the customer to scan, bag, and pay for their own groceries under the false promise that it's "fast and convenient". You swipe your items over the laser one-by-one, place them in a bag, and then pay for your crap with a debit or credit card. The computer talks you through the whole process, so you don't become confused and pitch a fit. Unfortunately, nobody can figure out to work the machines, even with instructions. You'll see einsteins over there trying to swipe grapes individually, causing the computer to belch obscenities at them. But instead of correcting their mistake, they either stand there like idiots, staring at the screen, or go to the service rep for help. The result is that there's a long line of 30 people leading up to the machines, which are all empty because everyone's over whining at the service rep.
The upside is that with all the morons over at the quick and easy U-Scans, I can just breeze right through the normal checkout. So maybe they're not such a bad idea after all.

Now if they can just find a way to get these idjets off the road.

My Hot, Sweaty, Armadillo of Love

2004-01-29T12:39:00.000-08:00

Jennifer came into my bedroom and gazed longingly at my hard, glistening armadillo.

"Nice armadillo!" she cooed, eyes wide with delight. It was obvious she had never seen an armadillo of such immense size before.

"I've never seen an armadillo of such immense size before!" she said, as if to confirm the previous sentence.

Suddenly, Jennifer's buxom roomate, Kelly, sashayed into the room. She was stark naked, except for about three layers of clothes and a long black overcoat.

"Nice armadillo," she snickered. "Let's play parcheesi."

So we all got down on the floor and played parcheesi for about three hours, and I could tell right away that the girls were getting really HOT.

"Jeezus, who cranked up the heater?" Kelly wheezed, and began to remove her artificial leg. "This damned thing is really starting to itch!"

This sort of thing happens to me all the time, but I couldn't believe how incredibly turned on I was getting!

I leapt to my feet and pointed at the door.

"GET THE HELL OUT!" I ordered the girls. "ME AND THE ARMADILLO WANT TO BE ALONE!!!"

True story.

Ambition that Blinds

2004-01-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

Ali on Iraq the Model has written an excellent criticism of Dean's statement that Iraqis are worse off now than they were before the war.

Read it here.

Your Daily Dose of White Guilt

2004-01-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

According to Professor Robert J. Miller, Lewis and Clark were not stupid, evil, white imperialists. In fact, they were very clever, evil, white imperialists.

"Meriwether Lewis and William Clark sit high in the pantheon of American folk heroes. Even today, Lewis and Clark are viewed as brave adventurers who went where no one had gone before, exploring and conquering the wilderness for the betterment of America.

There is another way to view Lewis and Clark, however, which is nearer to the truth. Lewis and Clark were military officers serving American empire and manifest destiny and they were the vanguard of American policies that ultimately robbed the indigenous peoples of nearly everything they possessed."

So from the very beginning, the expedition was carefully designed to con the Indians out of their land and property. This comes as a total surprise to me, because I was always taught that Lewis & Clark were a couple of racist morons plodding around the wilderness looking for a nonexistent northwest passage. Now we learn that the explorers were actually alot craftier than the liberals have been giving them credit for, and paved the road towards securing most of this great country for colonization. I'm grateful to Professor Miller for clearing this up.

"The ultimate goal, then, of the Lewis and Clark Expedition was the subjugation of Indian property and commercial rights. The expedition helped the United States claim its discovery sovereignty over the Louisiana Territory, institute concrete plans to begin exercising that authority and extended America's claim to the Northwest. The expedition was a major part of Jefferson's plan to assimilate Indians and their assets into American society, to remove the tribes from the path of American continental expansion and, if necessary, to exterminate the tribes to advance the American empire.

Lewis and Clark opened the road to the domination of Indian tribes in the Northwest and the Louisiana Territory and to bringing Indian lands into the American empire. As a consequence, Indians lost valuable property and governmental rights and were ultimately subjected to official federal policies of forced removals, assimilation, armed conflicts, the reservation system and the termination of tribal governments.''

Amen! This totally restores my respect for the two explorers. Thanks to their courage and the imperialist American subjugation of the indians, I can sit here today in my heated apartment and write incredibly witty blogs about dipshit socialist professors, an not have to worry about getting an assful of Comanche arrows. And if I want to opress any Indians, I can just drive on over to the Muckleshoot Reservation & Mega-Casino, and make fun of their big, yellow, made-in-America, $50,000 Hummer H2's.

By the way, Professor Robert J. Miller is associate professor of Lewis & Clark Law School in Portland. If that doesn't make your day, you're deader than Sitting Bull.

Spirit of America

2004-01-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

Heathblog turned me on to this group. Stories like this shatter the left-wing assertion that Americans don't do anything to win the "hearts and minds" of the Muslim people.

I've sent in my contribution. If all my readers donated $20, we'd still be about $500 shy of the $540 needed to provide medical supplies for Iraqi children. Maybe I should put up one of those "tip jars" all the real popular bloggers have. Whenever I write something funny, people could put in a dollar. Everytime I write something stupid, they can donate twenty five cents. At the end of the year, I'll send the whole jar of quarters to Spirit of America.

On a hilarious note, John Kerry has just won the New Hampshire primary. In case you weren't aware, John Kerry is a Vietnam veteran. The democrats want everyone to know that military service is important again, and that draft dodging is no longer en vogue. Clark may have stopped four cong bullets and then carved up an entire gook patrol with a plastic spoon before the medics tackled him, but Kerry has the added distinction of serving in Vietnam, then coming home and protesting against it. Nope - Kerry's no newbie pacifist, folks! Back in '71, ol' JFK took all his medals and threw them at the Capitol, even the four purple hearts he earned without ever getting shot. It turned out later that they were actually someone else's medals - someone who wasn't planning on a run for Congress any time soon - but it's the thought that counts.

Personally, I think Clark should take a note from McCain and start mentioning "gooks" in his campaign speeches. If they're going to sell him as a war hardened, tough-guy general, they shouldn't have him wearing fuzzy sweaters and making hot cocoa for the New Hampshire Garden Society. I mean, is this the guy you want leading the war on terror?

If Clark wants to instill confidence that he's strong on national defense, he should appear wearing full combat fatigues and a necklace of Viet Cong ears. I still wouldn't vote for him, but it would look more authentic when he calls Kerry a "sissy Lieutenant".

Human Rights Watch Wants More Dead G.I.s.

2004-01-26T18:40:00.000-08:00

To left-wing groups like Human Rights Watch, the decline in U.S. troop casualties just won't do.

The accidental shooting of an Iraqi family has spawned an investigation, as it should. But New York-based Human Rights Watch, which for some reason makes headlines whenever they belch, has issued a fatwa against U.S. forces.

Whole story here.

"At checkpoints, during raids, or after roadside attacks, edgy U.S. soldiers have resorted to lethal force with distressing speed," the human rights group wrote.

That has to be about the most idiotic statement I've read in a long time. The troops are fighting a foe that loads up cars with explosives and drives them into checkpoints. I certainly hope they're resorting to "lethal force" with "distressing speed." Call me an optimist, but I like to think that killing suicide bombers before they can complete their mission results in less U.S. troops being blasted all over the desert.

I take that back, that was NOT the stupidest thing I've read...this is:

"Troops also have not been adequately equipped with non-lethal or less lethal equipment."

- Remarkably, neither have the terrorists.

When the jihadists strap bubble-gum to their chests instead of C4, that's when we'll shoot at them with nerf rockets.

Where are they getting these people?

2004-01-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

"I am flabbergasted. I am astonished. I am blown away. Opportunity has touched down in an alien and bizarre landscape," said Steven Squyres, of Cornell University and the mission's main scientist.

- No kidding. It's another planet, ya mook.

"The pictures just blow me away. We've certainly not been to this place before," deputy project manager Richard Cook said.

- What are the chances of the lander landing in the exact same place we've been before?

"I still don't know what we're looking at," Squyres said.

- Red dirt and rocks, Steve. Just like the other side of the planet.

Talk about hamming it up. They're probably overdoing it so when the lander goes tits up tomorrow, they can still call the mission a success.

It's Unmanned?

2004-01-25T13:38:00.000-08:00

Not much to say today, except that if the news media refers to the Mars lander as an "Unmanned rover" one more time, I'm going to pop. No bleeping KIDDING it's unmanned!

And technically, it's not even "unmanned". That would imply that it was "manned" at one time, and then someone "unmanned" it. More accurately, it would be a "non-manned rover", for crying out loud.

"It's not the large things that send a man to the madhouse..." -Bukowski