Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Woman Wins Slam Dunk Contest

A 17 year old, 6' 3" broad beat out 5 boys in a national high school slam dunk contest.

"I hope 10 years from now this isn't a big deal," she said. "That would be my dream. That 10 years from now three or four girls enter the dunk contest and it's not a big deal."

Yes, that exactly what the WNBA needs - more mutant clydesdales galloping up and down the court. Tell you what - if you really want to boost the attendance at women's basketball games, lower the hoop about 3 feet and put Victoria's Secret models on the teams. I guarantee every seat in the house will be filled.

Hell, I'd get season tickets.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Mexican Oompa Song in Progress

Since the neighbors in my complex enjoy playing their Mexican Oompa music full blast out of their lowriders all hours of the night, I've decided I might as well work on some lyrics. Using my high school level Spanish, this is what I've come up with so far:

Oompa oompa oompa
oompa oompa oompa...
I got diarrhea from Corona and gonnorea from su maaaaaadre
Mi gato is a fat-o and his scat-o smells just like su paaaadre.

Oompa oompa oompa oompa
I met a senorita on the street-a, she steal mi corazon...
She say "fifty pesos por a beso or bandejo, leave me alone."
Waaaaaaa ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!

Oompa oompa oompa oompa
I say mi amore, here's the story, I'm too poor-y for a bolladero...
A zorrero take mi dinero and a perro ate mi sombrerrrrrro..
Chocho grande'! RRrrrrraaaa hhaaahaaa!

oompa oompa oompa...
I hide mi jaco up mi cracko and eat a taco with Jason Giambi.
Now I got caca in mi baca y Clint Eastwood es El Hombre with No Nombre.
Heyyyyyy Blondayyy!!!! Whaaaaaahaaahahaha!!!!


Okay, the last stanza was a little thin, but I like I said, it's a work in progress.

Whaddya think, amigos?

Friday, March 26, 2004

Tax Cuts for the Rich! Tax Cuts for the Rich!

After months of whining about Bush's "tax cuts for the rich" and ridiculing the notion that they actually spur job growth, John Kerry has announced that if elected, he will give tax cuts to the rich in order to spur job growth. Has Lurch turned into a capitalist pig? Not quite. He's still going to raise taxes on anyone making over $200,000 a year, and parcel it out to whatever unions currently own him. Plus, he wants to close the "loophole" that allows U.S. based companies to get out of paying taxes on profits they make overseas. He's seems to be under the assumption that this will prevent employers from sending jobs out of the country. However, I suspect it will do the exact opposite, by encouraging U.S. based companies to no longer be "U.S. based". Corporations like General Electric, for instance, will become a European company with U.S. holdings, instead of the other way around.

No wonder the French like him.

Israel Unveils Miniature Spy Planes

Look at these little boogers. Now if they can only find some miniature pilots to fly them...

Headline of the Day

From Reuters: "Kerry to Offer Broad International Tax Law Changes".

Talk about targeted tax cuts! So who's the lucky broad?

What Did the Tin Foil Hat Brigade Wear Before Tin Foil?

Susan Lindauer, that crazy broad who was arrested for spying on Iraq, actually has some very good reasons for doing so:

"Someone put acid on the steering wheel of my car on a day I was supposed to drive to [New York City] for a meeting at the Libya House...I scrubbed my hands with a toilet brush, but my face was burned so badly that 3 weeks later friends worried I might be badly scarred. Also, my house was bugged with listening devices and cameras - little red laser lights in the shower vent. And I survived several assassination attempts."

Sure, it's easy to blow this off as the insane raving of a paranoid conspiracy nut, but one has to wonder why so many conspiracy nuts share delusions containing the same basic elements - lasers beams, gamma rays, electronic listening devices, black helicopters, etc. On a BBS I used to terrorize, there was this lunatic who thought the CIA followed him around in black vans and shot laser beams at him out of porcelain figurines. Phillip K. Dick thought he was shot with a pink beam of light from a metal fish or some such thing. Uri Gellar said he was shot between the eyes with a laser when he was 4 years old, bestowing upon him the mystical power to ruin everyone's silverware. A quick glance at any conspiracy forum will reveal several people who claim to be taking orders from voices coming out of common household appliances. Are these paranoid fantasies similar by coincidence, or are they all feeding each other crap via the media?

I wonder what these nuts saw back before laser beams, black helicopters, and the CIA even existed. Werewolves and leprechauns? Were historical accounts of divine encounters actually paranoid delusions? If so, that crazy guy at the bus station who says God speaks to him through his toaster might actually be the next Paul of Tarsus.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Laugh of the Day



Howard Dean endorsing Kerry today:

"Who would you rather have in charge of the defense of the United States of America - a group of people who never served a day overseas in their life or a guy who served his country honorably and has three Purple Hearts and a Silver Star from the battlefields of Vietnam?"

Why didn't Dean say this back when he was running for president?

Any what's up with the Bobsey Twins? They look like a couple of fruits in line at a San Francisco courthouse. If Bush and Cheney appeared in public dressed exactly the same, the media would have a field day.

9/11 Hens Swoon at Clarke's Farwellian Performance

One could almost hear the sound of violins playing as media darling Dick Clarke blubbered an apology at the 9/11 hearings yesterday:

Clarke spoke directly to the 9/11 Family Members in the courtroom, saying: "Those entrusted with protecting you, failed you. And I failed you. We tried hard but that doesn't matter because we failed. I would ask, once all the facts are out, for your understanding and for your forgiveness."

Reuters reports: "Beverly Eckert, whose husband died in the World Trade Center, said she 'totally broke down' at Clarke's apology."

Remarkably, Eckert and other 9/11 Family Members managed to compose themselves enough to make the morning talk show rounds this morning.

Patty Casazza, who lost her husband in the New York attacks, told ABC's Good Morning America: "It's the first time we have had a public apology by any of the officials that were in office on that terrible morning. An apology goes a long way to healing the wounds and moving forward."

Lovely. Now if we can just get Bin Laden to apologize, all will be right with the world.

On the Today Show Kristen Breitweiser, who lost her husband and her mind in the World Trade Center attack, said some of the commission members had "sunk to a level of partisan politics" by criticizing Clarke and questioning his credibility.

"We want it to be independent, bipartisan. I think it is most unfortunate that it became a character assassination," she said. When Clarke attacks Bush, it's bi-Partisan. When Bush defends himself, it's the dirty work of the Right-Wing Attack Machine.

This is the same Kristen Breitwesier, by the way, who has been parroting the tired "Bush read stories to school children while New York burned!" line of crap all over the media for the past couple of months. So much for not politicizing 9/11.

*BEGIN RANT HERE*

Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass about what the exalted 9/11 Family Members have to say. F*CK the 9/11 Family Members! I'm sorry for their losses, but they do NOT own 9/11. The fact that your husband was taking a leak on the 47th floor of Tower Two when the planes hit might make for a good Touched By an Angel episode - but it doesn't make you an expert on National Security, nor doesn't it exempt you from any criticism or reproach. 3,000 people died on 9/11; I'm quite sure that some of them were related to left-wing, hate-America assholes. If anything, the attacks only radicalized their anti-Americanism and gave them an excuse to create another politically motivated victims group.

And Dick Clarke can shove his teary-eyed "apology" up his flinty-eyed maverick whistleblower ass. The hearings are supposed to about learning the facts, not scoring group hugs from the Oprah crowd.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Medicare Insolvent by 2019

The laugh of the day is the general reaction from the left over the news that Medicare will be insolvent by 2019. John Kerry took time out from spewing profanities at Secret Service agents to blame Bush with the ridiculous remark: "In just one year, George Bush's reckless policies have sped Medicare seven years closer to bankruptcy."

So the problem isn't that Medicare is going bankrupt, but that it's going bankrupt ahead of schedule. As much as we try to keep this Ponzi scheme alive by pumping money into it, it's still just 15 years away from collapse.

I guess we'll have to raise taxes. But just on the rich, though.

Here's to Pissing on Yassin's Grave

Hamas suicide bombers kill 7 people on the very day Sharon prepares for a summit with Palestinian leaders, and there's nary a peep from the "International Community" about the "stalled peace process". The day after the founder of Hamas is reduced to an indistinguishable smear on the asphalt, the worldwide screech of condemnation against Israel is almost deafening. I'm not really sure what the "peace process" is, but it obviously involves crowded Israeli buses and restaurants routinely being blown to smithereens while Israel bends over and takes it.

Whatever the "peace process" was, the towel heads say it's now KAPUT. They'll be no peace for Israel now, they say! They were only strapping dynamite to their children and sending them into Jewish delis before, but now Sharon's gone and made them really mad! Palestinian Prime Minister, Patty O'Brien, declared that the attacks have "opened up the gates of hell". If so, I'm sure Shiek Yassin will be the first to roll out on his smoldering little wheelchair and say "78 virgins, my charred ass!"

Joseph Farah at World Net Daily has a great article on the subject.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Asshat of the Century

Rarely does an op-ed column irritate me to such a degree that I fire off an angry letter to the author. Susan Ager of the Detriot Free Press has pushed few buttons with her recent piece of effluvia "Spaniards have Things to Teach America". Read it here, and then take gander at my amazingly profanity-free response...

Ms. Ager -

In your recent column, "Spaniards have things to teach America" (March 16, 2004), you assert that America could learn a lesson from the way millions of Spaniards lit candles and stood "shoulder to shoulder in the rain" in response to terrorist attacks last week.

How wrong you are. If anything, the Spaniards have a lesson to learn from US. When the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, Americans didn't hold hands in the rain, sing Koom-bye-ah, and then toss FDR out of office. They united to crush those responsible for the attack, and succeeded in defeating the Japanese, and saving Europe from fascism. When terrorists hit us on 9/11, we didn't have a good cry and then surrender to Al Qaeda. We came together as one nation to show those responsible that we won't be cowed by their brutal attacks. We came out to show our national pride and support for our troops - despite certain people sneering and belittling any display of patriotism as "flag-waving jingoism"

You began your column with the statement: "As a rule, Americans do not gather by the millions in the streets." In a way, you're right. Americans don't waste time wringing their hands and wallowing in self pity. We pick ourselves up and FIGHT, and that's why we remain FREE. America's unique ability to unify in the face of danger and defeat a common foe is what makes us strong, and perhaps that's the very reason why you hail Spain's pathetic response to attacks on its people.

It seems like people such as yourself are for national unity only when it's a unified surrender.

Rob the Right Wing Extremist
Seattle, WA

Monday, March 15, 2004

Spain Surrenders

If anyone wants to take over Spain, it's pretty damn easy. Two hundred dead is all it takes for them to surrender to Al Qaeda. Three days after terrorist attacks in one Spanish city, they're all ready to give Osama whatever he wants. Poland stood up to the Nazis for a whole month before it fell. It's a good thing Bin Laden didn't order the Spaniards to cut of their balls - they'd have to bring people in from Poland to comply.

The scary thing is, the incoming Socialist prime minister, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, basically ran on John Kerry's platform of appeasement as a means to combat terrorism.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

The Passion Update

The Passion of the Christ gross as of 3/8/2004: $218,949,000

Incidents of anti-Semitic violence attributed to the film: 0

Incidents of liberal movie critics insisting that the film will encourage anti-Semitic violence: 94

Monday, March 08, 2004

"Foreign Leaders" Support Kerry

"I've met foreign leaders who can't go out and say this publicly, but boy they look at you and say, 'You've got to win this, you've got to beat this guy, we need a new policy,' things like that." - John Kerry

What I want to know is: How in the HECK did John Kerry get access to Saddam Hussein?

Webster Gets Hip to the Scene

From the Merriam-Webster website:

Main Entry: mar┬Ěriage
Pronunciation: 'mer-ij, 'ma-rij
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English mariage, from Anglo-French, from marier to marry
1 a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage b : the mutual relation of married persons : WEDLOCK c : the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage
2 : an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities
3 : an intimate or close union



Thursday, March 04, 2004

Howard Stern: "Bush is Out to Get Me"

Howard Stern bloviates:

"My days here are numbered because I dared to speak out against the Bush administration and say that the religious agenda of George W. Bush concerning stem cell research and gay marriage is wrong."

Right - your career's over, just like the Dixie Chicks. Bush just got up one morning and said, "Who shall I go after today? Al Qaeda? Osama? Hmmmm....I know! I'll bring down Howard Stern! Get Powell in here!"

The only thing larger than Stern's big mouth is his overinflated ego. With the War on Terror and his campaign kicking into gear, I'm sure Bush has more important things to do right now than chase around Howard Stern, or Don Imus, or Garrison Keiler.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

The Taj Mahal of Toilets

Responding to complaints of downtown business owners concerning rampant public urination and defecation, the City of Seattle has spent the past 10 years and millions of dollars trying to put an end to it. First, they placed ordinary honey buckets around town, which quickly turned into free apartments for street bums, cheap motel rooms for hookers, and a nice place for junkies to shoot up in private. Eventually, the stench from these portable crappers was so overpowering, that the homeless people they were designed to entice rejected them completely. Willie the Wino went right back to crapping on the sidewalk in broad daylight.

So a plan was concocted to install a more enticing latrine, one that street bums would be proud to call "home". Seattle bureaucrats looked far and wide for a toilet that would not only impress Seattle's incontinent indigents, but flush huge amounts of taxpayer dollars right down the loo as well. At last, The Dream Latrine was found in Germany, which is known worldwide for it's thriving toilet industry - and little else. After a few years and several million dollars worth of bureaucratic bullshitting, Seattle leased six hi-tech, self-cleaning toilets from Germany at a cost of $600,000 per year, and installed them in the sleaziest areas of town. To discourage camping, the toilets gives you 15 minutes to do your duty before the doors open, exposing you to the world.

I am sure this will discourage modest bums and hookers from squatting, but the kind of people who crap on the street don't care if people are watching. In fact, they get a kick out of it. The asshats on the Seattle city council don't realize that the reason Willy the Wino pisses all over them at the sidewalk cafe isn't because he has no place else to go - but rather because he's completely S.F.N. There are plenty of public restrooms to use in the mall or city library, as long as you aren't insane and pushing a shopping cart full of old shoes and broken chandeliers. But there's no fun in that. It's far more entertaining to watch the expression on the faces of tourists as you pull down your pants and lay a loaf in the middle of the town square.

So about the only thing these giant, stainless steel outhouses are going to attract are journalists and sleestaks. But whether the scheme works or not doesn't matter, as long as we feel good about helping the homeless.

Read more about the Taj Mahal of Toilets here.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Haitian Leader Completely S.F.N.

Jean-Bertrand Aristide wants the world to know that he's completely shit-fucking nuts. Not only is he accusing U.S. troops of kidnapping him, he's enlisted the help of congressional lunatics Maxine Waters and Charles Rangel to get out the word. So now of course, Waters is already denouncing our military and yammering to everyone about how the racist U.S. has overthrown and kidnapped her buddy Aristide.

The man has a French name, and hails from a nation that was once a French colony - so you have to expect a certain amount of moonbat arrogance and downright insanity from the guy. But this jackass shoots right past Chirac on the Weaselometer. He apparently thinks that U.S. Marines are obligated to serve as his personal bodyguards, fire on his own people, and possibly die themselves just to keep his sorry ass in power. Refusal to do so is equivelent to a coup d'etat.

"I was told that to avoid bloodshed I'd better leave...I called this coup d'etat in a modern way, to have modern kidnapping."

Obviously, U.S. forces offered him safe passage out of the country and that's it. They've got him holed up at someplace called "The Palace of the Renaissance", which he described as being either a "house" or a "hotel", but then said it was "just like prison". I don't know what the prisons are like where he comes from, but I'm sure he'd prefer to be locked up in a house/hotel/palace in Africa than a prison in Haiti.

However, since he's decided to be an asshole and bite the hand that feeds him, I think we should put him right back where we found him and pull out. I'm sure he'll get the definition of "coup d'etat" straight soon enough.