Friday, January 30, 2004

U Scan, U Moron!

I made a couple of brilliant conclusions while grocery shopping this afternoon:

1. Whoever stocks the back pain medication on the very bottom shelf should be shot like a dog in the street.

2. Whoever invented the automated "U-Scan" checkers has way too much faith in the intelligence of the average human being.

For those who shop at stores that haven't "progressed" enough to install these evil devices yet, they basically allow the customer to scan, bag, and pay for their own groceries under the false promise that it's "fast and convenient". You swipe your items over the laser one-by-one, place them in a bag, and then pay for your crap with a debit or credit card. The computer talks you through the whole process, so you don't become confused and pitch a fit. Unfortunately, nobody can figure out to work the machines, even with instructions. You'll see einsteins over there trying to swipe grapes individually, causing the computer to belch obscenities at them. But instead of correcting their mistake, they either stand there like idiots, staring at the screen, or go to the service rep for help. The result is that there's a long line of 30 people leading up to the machines, which are all empty because everyone's over whining at the service rep.
The upside is that with all the morons over at the quick and easy U-Scans, I can just breeze right through the normal checkout. So maybe they're not such a bad idea after all.

Now if they can just find a way to get these idjets off the road.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

My Hot, Sweaty, Armadillo of Love

Jennifer came into my bedroom and gazed longingly at my hard, glistening armadillo.

"Nice armadillo!" she cooed, eyes wide with delight. It was obvious she had never seen an armadillo of such immense size before.

"I've never seen an armadillo of such immense size before!" she said, as if to confirm the previous sentence.

Suddenly, Jennifer's buxom roomate, Kelly, sashayed into the room. She was stark naked, except for about three layers of clothes and a long black overcoat.

"Nice armadillo," she snickered. "Let's play parcheesi."

So we all got down on the floor and played parcheesi for about three hours, and I could tell right away that the girls were getting really HOT.

"Jeezus, who cranked up the heater?" Kelly wheezed, and began to remove her artificial leg. "This damned thing is really starting to itch!"

This sort of thing happens to me all the time, but I couldn't believe how incredibly turned on I was getting!

I leapt to my feet and pointed at the door.

"GET THE HELL OUT!" I ordered the girls. "ME AND THE ARMADILLO WANT TO BE ALONE!!!"

True story.

Ambition that Blinds

Ali on Iraq the Model has written an excellent criticism of Dean's statement that Iraqis are worse off now than they were before the war.

Read it here.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Your Daily Dose of White Guilt

According to Professor Robert J. Miller, Lewis and Clark were not stupid, evil, white imperialists. In fact, they were very clever, evil, white imperialists.

"Meriwether Lewis and William Clark sit high in the pantheon of American folk heroes. Even today, Lewis and Clark are viewed as brave adventurers who went where no one had gone before, exploring and conquering the wilderness for the betterment of America.

There is another way to view Lewis and Clark, however, which is nearer to the truth. Lewis and Clark were military officers serving American empire and manifest destiny and they were the vanguard of American policies that ultimately robbed the indigenous peoples of nearly everything they possessed."


So from the very beginning, the expedition was carefully designed to con the Indians out of their land and property. This comes as a total surprise to me, because I was always taught that Lewis & Clark were a couple of racist morons plodding around the wilderness looking for a nonexistent northwest passage. Now we learn that the explorers were actually alot craftier than the liberals have been giving them credit for, and paved the road towards securing most of this great country for colonization. I'm grateful to Professor Miller for clearing this up.

"The ultimate goal, then, of the Lewis and Clark Expedition was the subjugation of Indian property and commercial rights. The expedition helped the United States claim its discovery sovereignty over the Louisiana Territory, institute concrete plans to begin exercising that authority and extended America's claim to the Northwest. The expedition was a major part of Jefferson's plan to assimilate Indians and their assets into American society, to remove the tribes from the path of American continental expansion and, if necessary, to exterminate the tribes to advance the American empire.

Lewis and Clark opened the road to the domination of Indian tribes in the Northwest and the Louisiana Territory and to bringing Indian lands into the American empire. As a consequence, Indians lost valuable property and governmental rights and were ultimately subjected to official federal policies of forced removals, assimilation, armed conflicts, the reservation system and the termination of tribal governments.''


Amen! This totally restores my respect for the two explorers. Thanks to their courage and the imperialist American subjugation of the indians, I can sit here today in my heated apartment and write incredibly witty blogs about dipshit socialist professors, an not have to worry about getting an assful of Comanche arrows. And if I want to opress any Indians, I can just drive on over to the Muckleshoot Reservation & Mega-Casino, and make fun of their big, yellow, made-in-America, $50,000 Hummer H2's.

By the way, Professor Robert J. Miller is associate professor of Lewis & Clark Law School in Portland. If that doesn't make your day, you're deader than Sitting Bull.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Spirit of America

Heathblog turned me on to this group. Stories like this shatter the left-wing assertion that Americans don't do anything to win the "hearts and minds" of the Muslim people.

I've sent in my contribution. If all my readers donated $20, we'd still be about $500 shy of the $540 needed to provide medical supplies for Iraqi children. Maybe I should put up one of those "tip jars" all the real popular bloggers have. Whenever I write something funny, people could put in a dollar. Everytime I write something stupid, they can donate twenty five cents. At the end of the year, I'll send the whole jar of quarters to Spirit of America.

On a hilarious note, John Kerry has just won the New Hampshire primary. In case you weren't aware, John Kerry is a Vietnam veteran. The democrats want everyone to know that military service is important again, and that draft dodging is no longer en vogue. Clark may have stopped four cong bullets and then carved up an entire gook patrol with a plastic spoon before the medics tackled him, but Kerry has the added distinction of serving in Vietnam, then coming home and protesting against it. Nope - Kerry's no newbie pacifist, folks! Back in '71, ol' JFK took all his medals and threw them at the Capitol, even the four purple hearts he earned without ever getting shot. It turned out later that they were actually someone else's medals - someone who wasn't planning on a run for Congress any time soon - but it's the thought that counts.

Personally, I think Clark should take a note from McCain and start mentioning "gooks" in his campaign speeches. If they're going to sell him as a war hardened, tough-guy general, they shouldn't have him wearing fuzzy sweaters and making hot cocoa for the New Hampshire Garden Society. I mean, is this the guy you want leading the war on terror?

If Clark wants to instill confidence that he's strong on national defense, he should appear wearing full combat fatigues and a necklace of Viet Cong ears. I still wouldn't vote for him, but it would look more authentic when he calls Kerry a "sissy Lieutenant".

Monday, January 26, 2004

Human Rights Watch Wants More Dead G.I.s.

To left-wing groups like Human Rights Watch, the decline in U.S. troop casualties just won't do.

The accidental shooting of an Iraqi family has spawned an investigation, as it should. But New York-based Human Rights Watch, which for some reason makes headlines whenever they belch, has issued a fatwa against U.S. forces.

Whole story here.

"At checkpoints, during raids, or after roadside attacks, edgy U.S. soldiers have resorted to lethal force with distressing speed," the human rights group wrote.

That has to be about the most idiotic statement I've read in a long time. The troops are fighting a foe that loads up cars with explosives and drives them into checkpoints. I certainly hope they're resorting to "lethal force" with "distressing speed." Call me an optimist, but I like to think that killing suicide bombers before they can complete their mission results in less U.S. troops being blasted all over the desert.

I take that back, that was NOT the stupidest thing I've read...this is:

"Troops also have not been adequately equipped with non-lethal or less lethal equipment."

- Remarkably, neither have the terrorists.

When the jihadists strap bubble-gum to their chests instead of C4, that's when we'll shoot at them with nerf rockets.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Where are they getting these people?

"I am flabbergasted. I am astonished. I am blown away. Opportunity has touched down in an alien and bizarre landscape," said Steven Squyres, of Cornell University and the mission's main scientist.

- No kidding. It's another planet, ya mook.

"The pictures just blow me away. We've certainly not been to this place before," deputy project manager Richard Cook said.

- What are the chances of the lander landing in the exact same place we've been before?

"I still don't know what we're looking at," Squyres said.

- Red dirt and rocks, Steve. Just like the other side of the planet.

Talk about hamming it up. They're probably overdoing it so when the lander goes tits up tomorrow, they can still call the mission a success.

It's Unmanned?

Not much to say today, except that if the news media refers to the Mars lander as an "Unmanned rover" one more time, I'm going to pop. No bleeping KIDDING it's unmanned!

And technically, it's not even "unmanned". That would imply that it was "manned" at one time, and then someone "unmanned" it. More accurately, it would be a "non-manned rover", for crying out loud.

"It's not the large things that send a man to the madhouse..." -Bukowski

Friday, January 23, 2004

Kay: No WMD in Iraq

Arms hunter David Kay has officially said there are no WMD in Iraq, nor has there been since 1991. This is bad news. This means that in 1998, Clinton LIED to the American people, bombed Iraq and killed thousands of innocent civilians for no reason at all.

Bob Keeshan (1927-2004)



O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
 But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
 
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

- Walt Whitman

Thursday, January 22, 2004

This is Why I Married Her....

Another great article by my beautiful wife, Ann Coulter!

Some highlights....

"On Monday night, Gephardt was shocked to discover that blue-collar Democrats have gone the way of patriotic Democrats: They're all Republicans now. (But thanks for that NAFTA vote a decade ago!)"

"Kerry and Clark now represent the two major wings of the Democratic Party – the Kennedy wing and the Clinton wing. One drowns you after the extramarital affair; the other one calls you a stalker. "

"All the Democrats oppose the war. And all the Democrats who took a position on the war before it began were for it, but now believe that everything Bush did from that moment forward has been bad! bad! bad! This is with the exception of Joe Lieberman who, as an observant Jew, is forbidden to backpedal after sundown on Fridays. Representing a large flabby chunk of the Kennedy wing, Ted Kennedy gave a speech last week in which he called the liberation of Iraq a "political product." Then again, Ted Kennedy calls Chivas Regal 'that life-sustaining liquid.'

Finally, all the candidates are willing to sell out any of these other issues in service of the secret burning desire of all Democrats: abortion on demand. If they could just figure out a way to abort babies using solar power, that's all we'd ever hear about. "

Get the full article here.

African-American Student Inelligible for African-American Award

Several Nebraska high school students were punished for hanging posters suggesting that a white student from South Africa recieve a "Distinguished African-American Student Award". Ironically, the award itself is more racist than they claim the offending students are.

I had a white professor from South Africa who would claim to be "African-American", causing black students in the class to loudly object. His response was "When was the last time you were in Africa? I was born there."

I think it simply proves how much harm one little hyphen can do.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

State of the Union

As every blabbermouth in the blogosphere has already commented on it, I won't say much. However, there was one paragraph that was my favorite:

"Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands, Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq. As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices. From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country."

As the Fonz would say: "AYYYYYYYYYYY-men!"

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

The Sportsmen's Show Cometh

It's here! The event I've been waiting a whole year for has finally begun. This weekend, I will travel south to the Kingdom of Puyallup - where toothless, John Deere cap and suspender-clad men named "Cleatus" still roam free - to experience the spectacular thrills and chills of the Western Washington Sportsmen's Show.

Fishing supplies. Hunting supplies. Ninja weaponry. I'll spend too much money, I always do. This year, I'm in the market for a new fly rod, but I might wait until the Seattle Sportsmans Show in March to buy one. They have more vendor booths, as well as a wide variety of severed animal heads for me to gawk at and say "Garsh, that there's one big galdarn deer!"

The fishing equipment is only secondary at the WWSS, anyway. The real reason I make the annual pilgrimage into the Land Where Giant, Doorless Pick-up Trucks Do Brodies for Jesus is to see my girls.

Ain't they just the best things to come down the pike since synthetic urine? I can hear them now, beckoning me with their hot little double entendres....Reel me in, Rob! Come get your worm wet, Rob! Can't wait to get my hands on your great, big, graphite pole, Rob! Pull up your pants and get out of our booth before we call security, Rob!

Alas, what mortal man can resist the lovely siren's call?

Dean is NOT Hitler

There's been alot of comparisons between Dean and Hitler around the blogosphere of late. But just because the man gets red in the face, shakes his fist, and promises to take back the Sudetenland, it does not Der Fuhrer make. Hitler's speaking style was practiced and intentional. Every word, every gesture was rehearsed and designed to incite hatred and draw the masses to his cause. Howard Dean, on the other hand, is just plain shit-fucking nuts.

Every suspects it, but no one will come right out and say it: Howard Dean is completely off his gourd. His supporters in the media will have you believe that his insane rants and idiotic remarks are all part of his "plain-spokeness" and "blunt speaking style". When George Bush says something idiotic, it's because he's a "moron". When Dean calls for the Soviet Union's help with Iran, or angrily tells an audience member to sit down and shut up, he's Harry S Truman.

Monday, January 19, 2004

I Have a Bling-Bling!

Martin Luther King, Jr's Birthday. What a pointless holiday. Not because he doesn't deserve a holiday in his name, but because he's been transformed by zealots from a brave and noble man into a ridiculous caricature with all the realism and relevance of Santa Claus.

You rarely hear so-called "civil rights leaders" speaking the words of Dr. King anymore. Instead, they talk about his "dream" and "his vision", as if it were some mystic tome that only black leaders can decipher. That's because in all of Dr. King's speeches, he never once said "Blacks won't be free until they all get on the government teat", the message that black demagogues preach today. Dr. King never said "We must racially discriminate against whites to make up for the enslavement of blacks." Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Kweezy McFumey, et al, exploit Dr. King the very same way TV envangelists like Falwell and Robertson exploit Christ.

Anyway, I thought that I'd post a few of Dr. King's actual words here.

"The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges. But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today. "

Lesbians for Pants!

While I'm on an anti-ACLU rant, I came across this nice little butt-nugget while I was researching the ACLU website for my last blog:

At ACLU Urging, FL High School Ends Discriminatory Graduation Dress Code

MIAMI -- The American Civil Liberties Union of Florida, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, and Equality Florida today applauded the decision of a local high school principal to do away with a discriminatory dress code which required senior girls to wear dresses or skirts with hemlines above their graduation gowns during the ceremony??

You see? This is what I'm talking about right here. Will someone please tell me where in the Bill of Rights is says anything about school dress codes? And why are the Lesbian Crusaders in on this? Are lesbians somehow physically incapable of wearing dresses? Gay men wear pants all the time. Why can't lesbians put on a fucking skirt for their goddam high school graduation?

"Forcing girls to wear a skirt or dress reinforces stereotypical gender norms that are harmful to all students," said Kate Kendell, Executive Director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights. "We applaud Bloomingdale High School for responding with reason and common sense."

Oh, now it's all clear. Gender is Opression!

"The school's requirement that all female students wear skirts or dresses with hemlines above their graduation gown, and male students must wear dark dress trousers and a tie, constitutes impermissible gender bias and discrimination and violates female students' constitutional rights to privacy, liberty, and first amendment protections."

One again, I don't see anything about dress codes or "gender bias" in the Constitution. But if the Bill of Rights protects our fashion rights, why aren't they going after the requirement to wear caps & gowns? Being forced to wear a skirt is opression, but having to fucking moo-moo and a retarded square hat isn't?

"The school may impose a requirement of "formal attire" for graduation. However, to mandate dress based upon outdated notions that girls wear dresses and boys wear pants is impermissible."

If it's unconstitutional to tell kids how to dress at graduation, then it how can it be permissible require "formal attire"? And what consitutes "formal"? For some people, walking around butt-naked is considered "formal", and I'm not just talking about San Francisco.

"This requirement is not only emotionally traumatizing to these young women, it is also illegal."

So emotionally traumatizing, that they may become lesbians.

Rush Limbaugh is a Pussy

Although I rarely listen to his show anymore, I've been an admirer of Rush Limbaugh for years. I was on his side through the recent painkiller crap, and I didn't think it was hypocritical for him to have an addiction while lambasting drug addicts on his show, as long as he sucked it up and faced the full consequences of his actions. It looked like he was going to do just that, until he brought the ACLU into the picture.

Despite claiming to be defenders of civil rights, the ACLU's sole purpose is to stretch, distort, and dillute the meaning of the Bill of Rights until it no longer has any meaning at all. These are the scumbags who fight tooth and nail to allow abortionists to operate on underage girls without parental notification. These are the vermin who demand that the Boy Scouts of America be tossed out of city parks and banned from public property altogether, but sue to allow the National Association of Man-Boy Love (NAMBLA) to post child-rape lessons on the internet. The ACLU is not a "guardian of liberty", as they claim on their website, but perhaps the greatest threat to the Bill of Rights in our time. If you think the US PATRIOT Act takes some liberties with the Constitution, read some of the hairbrained case files on the ACLU website.

So now it seems that the ACLU has filed an amicus curae Rush's legal case against the state of Florida. Limbaugh has no control over the ACLU filing such a request, but his lawyer has issued a statement "welcoming" the organization to the case. Rush's case is hypocritical enough as it is - the guy is hiding behind the very same "privacy rights", which he himself has strongly denied the existence of. Now here he is, cozying up to the ACLU, after condemning them for years. Sure, he's making light of it on his website, acting as if the ACLU is glomming onto him purely for the spotlight (which they are). But if he had any balls, he'd tell the ACLU to take their amicus curae and shove it up their ass. Now they're bragging on their website about how they have the Great Rush Limbaugh totally on their dicks, and making ridiculous statements like this:

“For many people, it may seem odd that the ACLU has come to the defense of Rush Limbaugh. But we have always said that the ACLU’s real client is the Bill of Rights and we will continue to safeguard the values of equality, fairness and privacy for everyone, regardless of race, economic status or political point of view.” 

Yeah, except for the Boy Scouts.

So Rush has done for the ACLU what a thousand, pro-bono, liberal shysters could not - he's given them legitimacy. And for that, he's a pussy.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Midget Sighting!

Yes, I know they prefer to be called "little people". The term "midgets" is offensive, but being referred to as something drunken Irishmen see when they crawl out of the pub at 4 am is not. Go figure.

That being said, I saw a midget riding a razor scooter through the bus tunnel this morning. I rarely see midgets in this day and age, but when I do, they're always doing something wacky. The last midget I saw was pretending to bronco-ride a giant bronze pig in downtown Seattle. Before that, I saw a midget playing pinball with a one-armed homosexual in a bull-fighter's outfit at a mullet bar in Stanwood, Washington. I even saw a midget dancing in a cage at a rock concert once. I've never seen a midget doing anything mundane, like buying a newspaper or just standing around. They're always engaged in such an incredibly silly act, that people think you've lost your mind when you tell them what you saw. I suspect midgets do this on purpose, just to fuck with our heads. The more they confuse us, the less likely we are to find their hidden pots of gold.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Spam Email of the Day

Hallo... My name is Yana. I live in Ukraine. I am easy-going and sociable, I like meeting new people and learning new things in life. I love meetings with friends, going to picnics, dancing and litening to music. I love sport games, especially beach volleyball. And I have my own homepage, so if you are interested, you can have a look at on your computer as long as the terms of this agreement are respected.
Best wishes,
Bye-bye
Yana


Dear Yana,
I went to your website, and you ar hot ukranian mama. i love girl with milky white skin so pale i see veins. It's amazing you play beach volleyball yet have no tan! I respect the terms of this agreement, and look forward to dancing Urka Urka Dance with you at ukranian sheep festival.

Doisksbnvkvnyk to your mother,
Rob

Thursday, January 15, 2004

PANDERING TO FEAR



George Bush is pandering to FEAR! He's exploiting FEAR for political benefit! OH, THE FEAR!!!!!

By the way, the whole planet is going to explode if you don't vote democrat.

Clark for President!

It's only fitting that Michael Moore endorse Wesley Clark, as they're both completely, certifiably, shit-fucking nuts. I understand Moore's lunacy - he's a Marxist with a room temperature I.Q. But Clark's descent into madness baffles me. At one time, he was 100% behind George Bush, and spoke out strongly in support of invading Iraq and overthrowing Saddam. Now he's claiming he's always been against the war, and wants Bush brought up on charges for leading us into it.

Now, if he simply said that he had a change of heart, I could buy that. But instead of admitting that he's changed positions, he flat out denies that he ever held the other position to begin with! Then when someone presents him with quotes or a transcript, he accuses everyone of misunderstanding what he said. That's how I know Bill Clinton is pulling his strings. Bill Clinton never lied - we were just too stupid to understand what he really said.

Clark's not the only democrat who does it, either. Hell, they all do it anymore. I can't decide whether they're emulating Slick Willie's political style, or if the whole lot of them are flat-out two-faced liars. Then they accuse Bush of being too inflexible because he takes a position and doesn't budge. "He's an extremist! He's an idealogue! He's a dictator!"

He's a leader. Leadership means taking a stand for what you believe in. If democrats are too morally weak to hold a strong position on anything, then they don't deserve to be in power.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Cartoon Fun

I'm really digging this Stripcreator site.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Rob's Immigration Plan

Mexico is probably the only nation on earth that demands her neighbors open their borders so her people can flee the country. That's fine with me, as long as they come here LEGALLY. But if we're going to accept all the dregs of Mexican society, I think we should get something in return besides finely manicured lawns and a plague of leprosy. For every 10,000 people Vincente Fox sends across the border, he should build a maximum security prison deep in the heart of Mexico and fill it with America's hardest criminals. No one wants them here, so send them down there.

The same goes for nuclear waste dumps and landfills. Instead of shuffling all our garbage from state to state, ship it south of the border. We give amnesty to a few thousand illegals, and Fox gets a barge full of raw sewage. Put it in Ensenada, no one will know the diff.

I doubt Bush will listen to me, though. He's got his nose so far up Vincente Fox's ass, he can see the back of the guy's tonsils.

El Presidente, Dick Gephardt

Dick Gephardt:
"So let me say at the outset that I'm for free trade, and I've always been for free trade. But when we're forced to trade with nations that use slave and prison labor - when our trading partners don't even follow the meager labor and environmental laws on their own books - when trade is really just a way of averaging out the world's wages, and shedding jobs for the sake of cheap consumer goods - when other countries respond to our trade liberalization by limiting access to their markets - then I don't see how that trade is especially 'free,' and it is definitely not fair. Our goal in trade negotiations can't simply be shipping more cheap sweaters back and forth, regardless of the terms or the human consequences. Truly free and fair trade has to be a way to lift living standards and expand economic freedom both at home and abroad. That's why we have to fight for trade policies that raise wages and standards, so everyone does better. If we don't, it'll be a race to the bottom, where wages plummet, living standards fall through the floor, and poverty flourishes."

Fidel Castro: "Anguish, uncertainty and doubt lead some to seek out eclectic alternatives. The world, nevertheless, has no other alternative to neoliberal globalization, which is dehumanizing, morally and socially indefensible, and ecologically and economically unsustainable, than a fair distribution of the riches that human beings are capable of creating with their dedicated labor and fertile intelligence. May there be an end to the tyranny of an order that imposes blind, anarchic and chaotic principles, that is leading the human species towards the abyss. May nature be saved. May national identities be preserved, and the cultures of all nations protected. May equality, fraternity, and with them, true liberty, prevail. The unfathomable differences between the rich and poor within each country and between countries cannot continue growing. They must, on the contrary, progressively diminish until they disappear someday. May merit, capacity, creative spirit, and what each individual actually contributes to the welfare of humanity, as opposed to theft, speculation, and the exploitation of the weakest determine differences. May humanism be genuinely practiced, with concrete actions and not hypocritical slogans. "

Looks like they have the same speechwriter.

Monday, January 12, 2004

O'Neill Does Bush a Favor

"We need someone who understands that you don't rush into war without a plan for peace and who knows how to make that plan effective." - Sen. John Kerry

"I am shocked at how unprepared the Bush administration was for what to do afterward," - Sen. Joseph Lieberman

"Where was Bush's MBA training when he planned -- or seemingly, failed to plan -- the post-conquest management of Iraq? And now that his Administration's lack of foresight has been amply illustrated, what's the best way, according to B-school dogma, for Bush to successfully recover?" - Businessweek.com

The classified document that Paul O'Neill absconded with and displayed on national TV was entitled "Plan for Post-Saddam Iraq". How about that? For months, the democrats have been crying that Bush had no plan for post-Saddam Iraq, that Bush was recklessly rushing to war, and now we learn from Paul O'Neill that the war had been on the drawing board since the Inauguration. So how are the democrats going to justify all that alarmist rhetoric?

My guess is that since no one in the media will call them on their bullshit, they'll now start condemning Bush for HAVING a postwar plan for Iraq.

The Clarity of Clark

CNN, Crossfire Aug 1, 2003

CNN: Would you sign the partial-birth abortion bill, which is about to be passed by Congress?

CLARK: I don't know whether I'd sign that bill or not. I'm not into that detail on partial-birth abortion. In general, I'm pro-life--excuse me, I'm pro-abortion rights.


New Hampshire Daily News, January 11, 2004 (just 4 months later)

Q: Late term abortion? No limits?

Clark: Nope.

Q: Anything up to delivery?

Clark: Nope, nope.

Q: Anything up to the head coming out of the womb?

Clark: I say that it's up to the woman and her doctor, her conscience, and law — not the law. You don't put the law in there.

Of course not. You put a pair of forceps and a surgical vaccum in there.

"Progressives," My Ass

It appears that liberals aren't as only "progressive" as they claim to be.

According to a recent AP Poll, the Party of Jack Kennedy thinks space exploration is a waste of time and money.

More than half of the democrats polled said that instead of wasting billions on a grandiose mission to Mars, it would be better to maintain the status quo and waste the money on domestic programs.

Sure - why waste billions on a big government program when it can be better spent on free daycare for incontinent, transexual, crack-addicted, immigrant dwarves?

But here's the kicker:

"Just over half of Democrats opposed the plan by 'the United States.' Once it was identified as a 'Bush administration' plan, Democrats opposed it by a 2-to-1 margin."

In other words, Democrats couldn't decide what they hated more, the Bush administration or the United States in general.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Bush Slams O'Neill

I got a chuckle out of former treasury secretary Paul O'Neill's accusation that Bush is a "disengaged president".

"I went in with a long list of things to talk about and, I thought, to engage (him) on. ... I was surprised it turned out me talking and the president just listening. ... It was mostly a monologue," O'Neill said.

I can picture O'Neill now..."Blah blah blah me me me blah blah blah blah me me me."

Bush is thinking, "Holy shit, cut to the chase, will ya? I've got a schedule a mile long, here."

I run into guys like O'Neill all the time. You ask them a simple question, and they're in your office for three hours reciting the Periodic Table of Elements. You finally tell them you have work to do, and they run and tell Mary Jo you're a cromag airhead who doesn't appreciate the finer nuances of metallurgical thermodynamics.

Bush expected O'Neill to come in, quickly outline his policy vision, and then get to work. But Paulie thinks he's the Dale Earnhardt of number crunching, and wants everyone to acknowledge it. Bush is polite, so he let the windbag yammer on ad nauseum while he counted tiles on the Oval Office ceiling.

O'Neill's one of those clowns who can't just do their job, they want everyone to bask in the glow of their godlike brilliance. It just drives him NUTS that Bush, a lowbrow cowboy with a Texas drawl, gives a man of his superior intellect orders.

If O'Neill were less like Al Gore and more like Rummy, he'd probably still have a job.

Friday, January 09, 2004

Harkin endorses Dean

I wish I could find the quote - Harkin made some ridiculous remark in his speech about how the Republicans are sneakily sipping their martinis, smoking their cigars, and plotting to steal our overtime pay. I don't know what irritates me more - liberals who lie, or the dumbshits who believe them.

Nevermind that Harkin and his boy, Howie, are probably shooting the shit over cigars and martinis at the post-endorsement wine & cheese party tonight. What got me was that the assholes KNEW they could lie and play the class-warfare card, and no one would call them on it. In fact, the socialist libs would eat it right up.

Despite what dems would like us to believe, Bush has no power to take away our overtime pay. As everyone knows, overtime compensation is set at the state level, and most states have OT pay built into their labor laws. What really happened was that the U.S. labor department issued tips to employers on how to avoid paying overtime by cutting wages or hours. Show me a successful businessman that doesn't already avoid paying OT to his employees through either one of those methods. So obviously, it's the overtime laws themselves that are keeping wages down and hours low. God forbid the dems admit that another one of their socialist schemes only causes the problem it claims to correct.

Anyway, I'm off to get martini fixings and a couple of stogeys.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Java Nazis

Tip jars at Java Joints. It's bad enough that I have to pay 4 bucks for a cup of coffee, but I have to be subjected to a guilt trip by an inanimate object as well.

"Tips Please!" says the happy little sticker on the jar full of pennies and one dollar bills. The assinine assumption that I have to tip someone for doing something that they get paid to do anyway sticks in my craw. Sure, if you're at a restaurant and the waitress goes out of her way to make your dining experience more enjoyable, you TIP her. You tip them for going ABOVE and BEYOND the call of duty. But tipping a java jerk? Bullshit. The only "extra service" they give is asking you if you want your coffee "hot". Do I want my coffee hot? What fucking planet are you from?

Okay, I guess it's not their fault. They have to ask you if you want your coffee hot because of that dumb broad who sued McDonalds for giving her hot coffee. Eventually some ASSHOLE will sue because he got a paper cut on the cup, and the java jerks will have to ask you if you want your coffee "hot" and in a "cup". Okay, fine. But don't expect me to tip you 15% on a four dollar cup of coffee unless you're ready to show some skin, toots.

Clark Out-Lefts Dean

Wesley Clark has shot way to the left flank of Howard Dean by coming out in support of abortions up to the moment of the child's birth. I don't know how Dr. Dean is going to out-do Clark on this one. Perhaps free abortions for underage girls up to six months after the birth of the child? After all, if God didn't want us to whack our children he wouldn't have invented infanticide.

Madonna Endorses Clark

When I saw the headlines this morning, my heart sank: Madonna Endorses Wesley Clark for President.

Crap, I thought. Bush just lost the disco-dancing transvestite vote. He's going to have to campaign at every gay disco in the Village if he's every going to get out of this jam.

"The simple truth," Madonna stated, "is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America."

Madonna, who will be fellating a midget while dressed as a dominatrix nun in her next video, feels that the Bush administration does not "reflect what is great about America". Luckily, neither Marilyn Manson nor Boy George have endorsed anyone yet, so there's still time to repair the damage Madonna has wrought.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Hillarious Hillary

I'm probably the only conservative on the planet who thinks Hillary's Gandhi joke was funny. Sure, her timing was off, and it seemed a little strained, but she gets an "A" for effort, in my book. It not often that the humorless, frigid ol' trout attempts to even resemble a human being, so you have to give her some credit.

Besides, the isn't over yet. The real laughs will come as she desperately tries to apologize, nineteen times a day, for her insensitivity and intolerance. The joke isn't any more racist or offensive than the ones Letterman cracks about New York cabbies with unpronouncable names, but that won't stop every Indian activist group from crying about how offended they are.

Poetic, isn't it? The very politically-correct, hypersensitive atmosphere the left has worked so hard to create is finally coming back to bite them in the asses. Trent Lott's probably getting a good chuckle out the whole thing. I know I am.


New Feedback Provider

I've dumped BackBlog and am now using Haloscan for the feedback function. As a result, all previous comments have been shitcanned.

Sorry, Mom.

Bush = JFK

Alot has been said lately about the left-wing moonbats comparing Bush to Hitler, as if it's any surprise. Liberals have been calling Republican leaders "Hitler" for as long as I can remember. Nixon was Hitler. Reagan was Hitler. Newt was Hitler. Liz Dole was Hitler. In my opinion, if the left isn't calling a Republican leader "Hitler", he must not be doing his job.

However, Bush more closely resembles Jack Kennedy than Der Fuhrer, and for many of the same characteristics liberals like to ridicule.

For instance, both Bush and JFK were born in New England. Both came from wealthy families, and had fathers who were accused of using their political pull to put their sons in office.

Both gave controversial tax cuts which they believed would stimulate a stagnant economy.

Both had older, Texan Vice Presidents with the letter "B" for a middle initial, and who were considered to be more experienced and seasoned than their bosses.

Both had a wild, partying lifestyle until they decided to pursue a political career.

Both had wives who were considered to be classier than them.

Both had younger brothers who were in politics.

Both graduated from Harvard with Business degrees.

JFK was ridiculed for his expensive dream of putting a man on the moon, GW is ridiculed for his expensive dream of a missile defense system.

GW served in the Air National Guard during the Vietnam War. JFK caused the Vietnam War.

President of the Teamsters during JFK's administration: Jimmy Hoffa. President of the Teamsters during Bush's administration: Jimmy Hoffa, Jr.

Bill Daley Sr. engaged in unscrupulous ballot counting to help JFK defeat Nixon in 1960. Bill Daley Jr. helped Al Gore Jr. engage in unscrupulous ballot counting which unwittingly resulted in George Bush Jr. winning in 2000.

Both accused mustachioed dictators of posessing weapons of mass destruction.

The Bush family wealth came from petroleum, which is used to fuel cars. The Kennedy wealth came from alchohol, which is used to fuel Ted Kennedy.

I can go on and on. The similarities between George W. Bush and JFK are too numerous too ignore. I suggest the GOP retaliate against the "BUSH=HITLER" ads with some ads of their own.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

The World Trade Center Memorial Urinals

It looks like the design for the World Trade Center memorials has been chosen - two giant "reflecting pools". People are already bitching, including some family members of the victims who feel the design doesn't adequately reflect horror of the attacks. I'm not sure how such a thing could be accomplished, unless they filled the pools with burning jet fuel and human body parts - but then who would visit? Who want to go see a memorial that scared the living shit out of them? Isn't New York City scary enough?

Anyway, you can't please everyone. In New York, I'm not sure you can please anyone. But if these "reflecting pools" are anything like the ones we have in Seattle, they'll serve more as urinals for street bums than anything else. If you want Ma and Pa Tourist to be horrified, let 'em get an eyefull of Willy the Wino standing there with his tackle out.

Guess what? Mars is Very Red!

NASA showed off color photos of Mars today. They're exactly the same as the black & white photos, but with a red tint.

Yes siree, nineteen billion dollars for that hi-tech color camera was well spent. I guess no one at NASA has heard of Adobe Photoshop.


Blogging Monopolizes My Porn-Surfing Time

When I got into this weblog business, I never realized how much it would cut into my porn-surfing hours. Between this blog and the other one I write, I just can't seem to find the time to surf for shots of Britney Spears's head clumsily pasted onto naked bodies anymore. It's really a shame, too, because I get email every day about this wonderful new video Paris Hilton has out.

I admit that up until recently, I thought Paris Hilton was a hotel in France - but after extensive research, I've discovered that she's actually a famous heiress, and rumor has it that there's a video of her having sex with her ex-boyfriend circulating around the net. I haven't been able to find the actual video yet, but I did find a nice snapshot of a midget she-male fellating a horse.

Anyway, my point is that I am not going to let all this porn-surfing interfere with my blogging, and all three of my faithful readers needn't worry about me sinking into blog limbo. I will submit one blog entry every day, even if I have to pull a meaningless, rambling wad of literary effluvium of my ass at the last minute.

Monday, January 05, 2004

Britney Gets Hitched

Britney's wacky, just-for-laughs marriage to an old school pal is sure to dominate the news for the next few weeks, but no one is asking the important question: When they kissed, could he taste what Madonna had for lunch?

Return of the Ka-ching!

I finally went and saw Return of the King last Thursday. I always like to wait two or three weeks after a highly-anticipated movie opens before I go and see it. That way, the theater is sure to be filled with people who have already seen the film thirteen times, and you get a helpful running commentary throughout the whole movie.

For instance, the opening scene of Return of the King showed a couple of unfamiliar, hobbit-like creatures fishing in a pond. Boy, was I confused! Who were these strange characters I had never seen in any previous film? Had I gone to the wrong movie? Where was I? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WAS GOING ON????

Luckily, there was a nice fellow behind me who had seen the movie 17 times, and was helping his equally confused girlfriend along.

"That's Smeagol," he whispered, just loud enough for everyone within three rows to benefit from his narration. "That's Smeagol before the magic ring changed him."

Whew! That sure cleared things up. These big Hollywood directors think they're so clever with their sneaky little plot devices. I sure didn't have to rely on footnotes when I read the books eight times, let me tell you!

Later, Frodo was stumbling through a cave when a large eight-legged monster came into view.

"There's a spider sneaking up behind him," the man behind me whispered. "He's gonna wrap him up in spider web."

Whew, saved again! Here I was thinking it was a giant bunny rabbit come to hide his brightly colored eggs. I sure hoped that guy would stick around to explain why Frodo throws a shiny gold thing into a volcano at the end.

Thankfully, the angel on my shoulder had comments for every confusing part of the film, so I didn't have to think at all for the full three hours, and could completely concentrate on eating my popcorn. Between him and the lady next to me sobbing loudly from opening title to closing credits, it made for the most enjoyable movie experience of my life.