Wednesday, May 28, 2003

SEN. ROBERT BYRD BLASTS BUSH, RACE MONGRELS

Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.VA) spoke critically of President Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell today, claiming they "set the cause of freedom back 200 years" and blamed "that sharecroppin' race mongrel swamp coon" for waging an "unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation, in violation of long-standing international law, under false premises".

Byrd, speaking on the senate floor dressed in full Klan regalia, paused only briefly during his moving, 45 minute speech to allow for rousing applause from his fellow democrat senators.

"Were our troops needlessly put at risk? Were countless Iraqi civilians killed and maimed when war was not really necessary? Was the American public deliberately misled? Was that little jigaboo Condoleezer behind it all? How much wateymellon and fried chicken did Massah Bush have to pay all these junglebunnies on his staff? I wonder. I wonder."

Hailed as the "Conscious of the Senate" by fellow democrats and klansmen, Byrd has been critical of President Bush since the aftermath of the 2000 election, when he accused "House Nigger Clarence" of "handing the nation to a leader as illegitimate as an Alabama pickininny". But today he stepped up the rhetoric, blasting the administration's handling Operation Iraqi Freedom and the War on Terrorism in general.

"It is becoming all too clear," he spoke with a scowl, his voice lowering to deep baritone, "that the smiling face of the U.S. as liberator is quickly assuming the scowl of an occupier. The image of the boot on the throat has replaced the beckoning hand of freedom."

Byrd then promised to put his "boot on the throat" of any "coon" who "eyeballed a white lady".

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

GERALDO RIVERA RECEIVES CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR

Hundreds attended an award ceremony at the nation's Capitol today, where journalist Geraldo Rivera was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his selfless acts of courage in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Rivera, who was embedded with the 101st Airborne Division, received the highest military honor our nation can bestow before a cheering crowd of military figures and government officials, all who expressed deep respect and gratitude for Rivera's dauntless courage in the face of life-threatening danger.

"He's a hero for the age," spoke President Bush, who personally pinned the medal on Rivera's proud chest. "He's what legends are made of. The world can use more journalists like him."

The story of how Rivera saved an entire platoon by throwing himself in front of an Iraqi RPG and catching the missile between his teeth has already spread across the globe, causing widespread awe and adoration. Not since Ted Koppel single-handedly took out an entire Iraqi Fedayeen machine gun nest has the world been witness to such acts of bravery from the press.

Rivera, however, displayed his trademark humility.

"It was nothing," he told fellow reporters at a press conference following the award ceremony. "I did what any other embedded reporter with my great looks and enormous talent would have done."

But, Dan Rather, who attended the event wearing a necklace of Viet Cong ears, dismissed Rivera's acts as "hotdogging" and condemned the ceremony as being "hype" and "showboating".

"There was no fanfare, no hooplah, no big awards hootenanny when I wiped out an entire Cong village just outside of Na Dang."

"Da Nang?" a reporter corrected him.

"Whatever."

Monday, May 05, 2003

CLINTON DEMANDS TO SEE MCCARTHY FILES

Upon hearing the news that the senate will be releasing thousands of declassified "closed door McCarthy files", former president Bill Clinton immediately demanded access to the records.

"I've been a big McCarthy fan for years," Clinton told reporters. "I never missed an episode of Baywatch that she starred in, and I even have the entire series of the Jenny McCarthy Show on VHS. If anyone deserves a first peek at the secret McCarthy files, it is I, her biggest fan."

When Clinton was told that the records were actually in relation to Sen. Joseph McCarthy's infamous anti-communist witch trials, Clinton bit his lower lip and called it a "sad era from America's past" and hoped time would "heal the wounds of that vicious assault on our Bill of Rights by a power-drunk Republican senator".

"It was kind of like that episode of Baywatch where the all the gals were swimming around, being chased by sharks," Clinton explained. "Then Jennie got out of the water, all wet and glistening in that tight swimsuit. Man, oh man..what a dish!"

News of the release of the records brought a smile to President Bush's face as well. "I always did like that puppet. Him and Mortimer Snerd always had me and Jeb in stitches!"