Friday, August 13, 2004

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

New Jersey governor Jim McGreevy announced to the world yesterday that he looked "deeply into the mirror of his soul" and saw a lonely little guy just struggling to burst out and suck some serious cock. Well, he didn't use those words exactly. He nuanced it up a bit, rambling on about his "confused childhood" and "spiritual reflection", trying to spin it around to where cheating on his wife was the only thing he was guilty of. Sure, I'll bet she didn't appreciate being porked by the same package that was up some dude's poop chute ten minutes earlier, but don't worry - the affair was "consensual".

Yup, consensual!

"I confess, Kari, I've been playing 'Hide the Sausage' with that brash young Israeli poet. You know, the one with the pretty lips and the nice ass? But I assure you, it was purely consensual."

Listen, jackass, if you want to ride the baloney pony, that's fine by me. I'm a tolerant person. Heck, some of my best friends are bone-smuggling ass pirates. But don't try to tell me it'd be completely peachy-keen to take it up the fudge tunnel if you just weren't so inconveniently married. Certain parts of the body are meant for specific things, and I'm fairly sure that God designated the asshole for the discharge of fecal matter only.

Jim McGreevey: He was confused as a child, but he's confused no more!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Maya Ange-who?

Okay, so Maya Angelou knows why the caged bird sings. It's a bird. It sings. Big fucking deal.

You may have Oprah all in a titter, Maya, but I'm not impressed. Why dontcha write me up something I can use? Something like I Know Next Week's Lotto Numbers, by Maya Angelou. Or I Know Why Your Car Smells Like Ass, by Maya Angelou.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Help Me Out Here

"We are asking Americans to think about that because how do you ask a man to be the last man to die in Vietnam? How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake? At any time that an actual threat is posed to this country or to the security and freedom I will be one of the first people to pick up a gun and defend it, but right now we are reacting with paranoia at this question of peace and the people taking over the world. There is no threat. The Communists are not about to take over our McDonald hamburger stands." - John Kerry's testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, April 22, 1971.

"I defended this country as a young man and I will defend it as President." - Sen John Kerry's speech before the DNC, July 29, 2004

So if the Vietnam War was a mistake and communism was no threat to America, when exactly did John Kerry defend this country as a young man? If the Vietnam War really was fought in defense of our country, why did Kerry say it was a mistake and accuse his fellow soldiers of being war criminals?

Monday, July 26, 2004

Vive La France!



Al Gore demonstrates the Democrat Party strategy for fighting the War on Terrorism.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

That's called MARKETING, folks

Ever wonder why Linda Ronstadt's new albums always have photos of her circa 1982 on them? Because if she used a current photo, people would what the fat chick from "Designing Women" is doing singing Mexican drinking songs.

Saving Mom from Celine Dion

The Mom recently developed an appreciation for the shrill hollering of Celine Dion. As a son, I felt obligated to cure her of this unhealthy addiction before it turned her brain to goo.

So I made an effort to spontaneously sing Celine tunes at every opportunity. I'd match her style as closely as possible, alternating between barely audible whispers and flat-out yelling. Mom would hear me whispering and her ears would perk up, and then I'd belt out a tremendous whoop and she'd jump right out of her skin.

"can you hear me whispering now?
i am whispering quietly now
come a little closer so you can
hear me whisperin'.....
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOOOOOOOOVEEEE?
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOOOOOOOOVE?"


I'd do this repeatedly and at random locations, so she'd never know when to expect it. We'd be in a restaurant having lunch, and then I'd start talking in a low whisper.

"Excuse me?" Mom would say, forgetting that she had almost swerved off the road when I pulled the gag on her in the car TWENTY MINUTES EARLIER. She'd lean closer, trying to hear what I was saying, and then:

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOOOOOOOOVEEEE? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

Her salad would go flying and we'd get alot of cold glares from other customers, but I'd make my point.

After a whole weekend of this, Mom's nerves were so frayed that she'd jump whenever I spoke. She couldn't even listen to her precious Celine cd's anymore and threw them all into the garbage.

Some may call me a "bastard" and a "freak" for tormenting my mother so, but I only do it because I love her.


Monday, July 19, 2004

I Want My Cock Back, Bitch!



Recent family email exchange:

BROTHER: Zippers has gone back to the hospital. Even after the major cleaning out he went through a couple of days ago the crystals are back and he can't pee. Since this is the third time this has happened to him the only options are to put him to sleep or turn him into a girl cat. So Zippers is getting a sex change.

Hopefully this works or We are out of options. Jen's doing a great job at holding up but I know it's killing her. She cares more about Zippers then her own life. Our vet has done this procedure many times. We were told by the vet at the animal hospital that he's the best in the area for this procedure. I'll keep you informed of any changes.

DAD: I wasn't aware of the fact that Zippers had been any where or was sick. What causes the crystals?

BROTHER: The crystals happen in male neutered cats. You can help prevent them with special cat food but it is not a fail safe remedy. But as of about 30 minutes ago he is out of surgery and the vet thinks it went very well. If everything stays good he (or she) will be home tomorrow.

DAD: I remember now. It's caused by too high an ash content in their food. You might ask the vet about that.
To that end, you have to watch the canned fish products, especially tuna. They love tuna and I used to give them a little now and then, like two or three flakes out of a can of tuna, but I quit feeding them canned fish catfood altogether because it was always high...especialy canned salmon cat food. The Doc will probably advise to to switch to Iams or some product that he sells that costs about four times as much as the regular canned cat food.

BROTHER: We have actually been using food made by Science Diet that is especially formulated neutered cats witch pretty much is the best out there as far as it goes. Some cats still get the crystals anyway.

Now Zippers is back home after the last resort surgery. He has no nuts. His pee-pee hole is now very similar to a vagina with the exception of the stitches all around it. He is as close as he can get to being a girl cat as cats get without actually being a girl cat. I know, "Ouch" best describes it. However, because of the larger hole the crystals are now able to pass. He is very tired and still doesn't want to eat but seems to be getting better slowly. Now if he just doesn't get the urge to be short tempered and incredibly pissy once a month the hole thing will be a success.

ROB: If cats had fingers and opposable thumbs, I'd tell you to lock up your firearms and sleep with one eye open. In fact, I'd keep him on close suicide watch for a while, anyway...once he comes out of his drug-induced stupor and sees a big gaping hole where his cock used to be, he's liable to lick a light socket or throw himself off the balcony.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Why not Vilsack?

Why didn't Kerry choose Iowa governor Tom Vilsack for his running mate? Because the people of Iowa, ravished by Bush tax cuts and job losses, need Vilsack's strength and courage right now.

But most importantly, "Kerry-Vilsack" sounds too much like "Hairy Ballsack".